a few days in the life and it was one year ago today...

Have you seemed to notice that along with the nice weather also come better moods in your kids?  I can attest to that in my son, Braeden!  His attitude and mood have been amazing, for any four year old, the past few days.  I think it's finally being able to run and play and pretend outside that have been bringing out the best in him these past few days.   And I'm loving it - both the weather and the moods!

Today the sun was warm and relaxing so when I picked up Braeden and a friend from school, we decided to eat our lunch outside.  It was still a little breezy, hence the jackets, but still nice.  I think one of my favorite things about spring and summer are picnic lunches.  There's just something about eating out where the sun is shining and birds are singing and we break out into song there is green grass to be seen (insert a deep sigh of satisfaction).

Yesterday wasn't quite as nice (it was snowing most of the day, matter of fact!), so I spent it working on a little sewing project.  And by little sewing project, I mean one where I took the sewing machine out of hiding, dusted it off, and had to re-teach myself how to use it, so this little sewing project really turned out to be a medium to large sewing project - especially after jamming the machine right off the bat and trying to figure out how to take it apart before I sewed a single stitch!  Ah, oh well.  I did eventually figure out what I was doing and after six or so hours, my fabric went from this...

... to this!

A little bit harder of a project than the square curtains I last sewed for the kids' bedrooms, but it was a fun one.  And my reward for all my hard work was Emerson's delight when she tried it on and didn't take it off the rest of the evening and then wanted to wear it to bed.  Score!

Unfortunately that smile you see on her face yesterday was wiped clean today as my sweet girl woke up with a fever this morning.  I could tell right away that she just wasn't feeling well and she rested and slept most of the day.  Sad day for her.  :(  I'm hoping she'll wake up tomorrow feeling much better so she can enjoy the nice weather the boys and I enjoyed today.

On a not-so-side note, it was one year ago today that we lost our little one.  I was slightly into my second trimester when we went in for a routine appointment and couldn't find my little one's heart beat.  I've been running into reminders of that sad day recently.  The same activities were occurring this same time last year - a ballet recital, kindergarten roundup (which I had to miss), and preschool programs.  When I run into some of these memory stirring reminders, it brings with it a pain in my heart that isn't as strong as it was just a year ago, but still there.  I've come a long way since then, though.  I'm thankfully in a different place in life mentally and emotionally. 

I still think about how things would be different.  My little one would have been six months old.  Things would look a lot different than they do now, but I'm so, so thankful for what I do have, right this moment.  I'm thankful for my wonderful husband, Jon, and my three kiddos and another year of growing closer and watching our family grow and evolve and change.  I'm so grateful for all that I get to be a part of.

So while I miss my little one, especially on this day, I pray, telling God thank you for my babies as well as my sweet little one that I will meet someday and for using this loss for me to understand, empathize, and connect with other mommies who have also never met their babies.  It's just another way for God to provide relationships and bonds, for " ... we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him."  (Romans 8:28)  And he is using this for good.

I didn't understand or see this a year ago, nor did I care to at the time, but He is making it clearer as time passes. And I'm so thankful for that.

(P.S.  The blog post I originally wrote about my experience losing my baby through miscarriage is still the most read blog post I've ever posted.  If you're interested, you can find it by clicking here.)