Monday, August 08, 2011

A panic attack

My breath began leaving me, Jon was driving beside me and I held on tight to the seat belt, and I kept alternating between looking out the window and closing my eyes, figuring out which way could calm my racing thoughts more quickly.  Unfortunately, it was neither one.

I had one of my final appointments last week in preperation for the surgery.  It was explained to me that I would have a screw, just like the philips screws you see at the hardware store, sticking out of my upper gums.  I would have bands and bands holding my mouth closed.  I can't eat solid foods for 4 months and possibly longer.  My face would be swollen.  My sinuses would be packed leaving me unable to use my nose to breathe.

These facts suddenly, without warning, began clouding my thoughts.  It began clouding my judgement.  I began thinking irrationally and all that went through my mind is I won't be able to breathe.  I won't be able to breathe.  I won't be able to breathe.

I cried.  The feeling of hyperventilation left me dizzy and slightly more frightened.

We arrived home.  I stepped out of the car to greet our neighbors and best friends and I tried to smile, but it didn't last long.  I told Shelly that I was panicking.  That I had never had this happen to me, but that I didn't like it.  Tears filled my eyes again.

Irrational?  Yes.  But very real in those few moments. 

Thankfully Shelly stopped, right where we were, in the midst of kids running around us, riding bikes, asking for helmets to be put on and then taken off, and she prayed for me.  She prayed for peace and calm and reassurance.

I can't say my anxiety left me right away, but I can say I'm feeling much better today. 

For the past two years leading up to this big day, I have had my bouts of anxiousness.  Not about the surgery, however, but about leaving my kids.  I have to leave them for a whopping 17 days and am missing a birthday for my big boy as well as the first day of school.  A terrible thing for this mommy to have to do.

This time, though, it wasn't about the kids.  For the first time I became, for a few moments, scared for me.

It's going to be a long road ahead.


Solana said...

Oh girl, I'm so sorry. I can understand why you'd be feeling this way. It's a big change you're going towards and I know that the Lord is with you. He's guiding everything. If staying with us gives you any concern please know that we are preparing a room for only you and Jon. We won't interrupt you guys at all if you simply need to sleep or hide out. We don't expect you to be here on a visit, we expect you to rest and recuperate. And when you need prayer let us know. We're here to pray for you. Love a girl.

Jillian said...

Oh sweet Sandra. I am really sorry that you have to do this. I feel your mommy heart pain, I really do!
As I was reading your post, the verse that instantly popped into my head was:
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
Isaiah 41:10 NKJV
(I don't read NKJV, so I don't know why that translation popped into my head...)

I love you Sandra! I will be praying for you to experience supernatural healing, supernatural peace, and the supernatural presense of our MIGHTY GOD!! I will also be praying for your babies.

AshleyTeeter said...

Dearest Sandra, please know that I will pray for you at every chance I get, and also know that the ladies at H2H will be praying for you every day at work.

Have you ever heard the song "Your Hands" by JJ Keller? The chorus is my favorite: "When my world is shaking/Heaven stands./When my heart is breaking/I never leave Your hands." Job 12:7-10 says that,"In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind," so know that all the while you go through this trial, God will be holding you lovingly in His hands! I know God's got big plans for you and your family.

Littlebit said...

Add all of us to those who will be praying for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I am sure it must beat the alternative. God Bless.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...