Right now, I'm listening to Emerson sing "Over in the meadow, in the sand, in the sun...." I think it's probably one of my most favorite songs I've inherited as a mother and I love to hear her sing it, especially because she doesn't know I'm listening. :) I'm by myself in the quiet of my living room. The boys are fast asleep in bed. Jon is at the University watching a speaker. And now Emerson is tucked in her bed singing sweetly to herself. It's a sweet, quiet moment. My heart is glad. I'm so thankful for all I have, though to some standards it's not much. But right now I've got what I need. I have enough.
I feel like I've made it out of the heavy thick fog that had settled over me for several months - thank goodness! I think we all go through an ebb and flow in our lives shown in the amount of energy and passion we pour into life. Last year I was in an ebb, if you will, and felt like I was only able to hold back and hold in, like I couldn't let go because of fear - of what? Of losing more? Of facing more unsureness and unsteadiness? I didn't want to see what was outside my own walls. I felt weighted by my own life - trials we were facing, loss of a job, loss of my sweet baby, loss of relationships, medical issues, struggles, questions that couldn't be answered and hurt in our hearts. Being so focused on all our stumbling, I wasn't really passionate about anything. Love I had, but passion was another thing.
But now I think the tide is rolling back in. I think I've been allowed to gain my perspective again. I've been granted the ability to feel more for others and am less self focused and self centered than I let myself become for a while. I am finally again able to begin to think through, imagine, and process the best I can the heavier things of life and in the world.
Recently at small group, my friend said that in Africa, where she recently served on a mission trip, it would be considered a luxury to have the time to sit and ponder God and life and the why's and why nots. There, it can be a matter of what they will drink or eat for that day. And yet, so many have joy. In the midst of their need they are able to praise. They understand - more than I probably ever will - the need to rely on Him and trust in Him and wait expectantly for Him to provide and rest His hand on them - a place where it seems true joy takes root.
How would I view my world if I were in their shoes? How would the words of my blog be formed if I were writing from that place in life? So differently, I would imagine.
And thankfully, in the midst of my never ending questions and mostly needless complaints of life, which is still a struggle for me, He has stayed with me. Though I often don't understand how He works or why things happen the way they do, I do understand that I have been provided for, I have been given in abundance. And even in my abundance in life I feel like He's been talking to me recently and showing me what it is to obey Him (just like I find myself daily trying to instill in my kids what it means to obey, He is doing the same to me!) - to love others as He loves us.
So, as I sit here, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I have enough, yet I'm desiring to pray for more passion in life, for my family, for others, and mostly Jesus. I want to be more passionate about serving my family and others, I want to find my Joy and more of the face of Jesus in the humbling act of serving others, even during their sometimes messy parts of life.
I want to give my kids the chance to see the beauty of all that is in loving others.
And so, I am moving forward. I have been asking Him for opportunities to obey (I refuse to do nothing) and two opportunities have been put into view. I'm excited and a little nervous even, but I want and need to do something - and that's something I feel passionate about.
Where are you in the ebb and flow of life? What are you passionate about?