Friday, April 01, 2011

Living Passionately

Right now, I'm listening to Emerson sing "Over in the meadow, in the sand, in the sun...."  I think it's probably one of my most favorite songs I've inherited as a mother and I love to hear her sing it, especially because she doesn't know I'm listening.  :)  I'm by myself in the quiet of my living room.  The boys are fast asleep in bed.   Jon is at the University watching a speaker. And now Emerson is tucked in her bed singing sweetly to herself.  It's a sweet, quiet moment.  My heart is glad.  I'm so thankful for all I have, though to some standards it's not much.  But right now I've got what I need.  I have enough.

I feel like I've made it out of the heavy thick fog that had settled over me for several months - thank goodness!  I think we all go through an ebb and flow in our lives shown in the amount of energy and passion we pour into life.  Last year I was in an ebb, if you will, and felt like I was only able to hold back and hold in, like I couldn't let go because of fear - of what?  Of losing more?  Of facing more unsureness and unsteadiness?  I didn't want to see what was outside my own walls.   I felt weighted by my own life - trials we were facing, loss of a job, loss of my sweet baby, loss of relationships, medical issues,  struggles, questions that couldn't be answered and hurt in our hearts.  Being so focused on all our stumbling, I wasn't really passionate about anything.  Love I had, but passion was another thing.

But now I think the tide is rolling back in.  I think I've been allowed to gain my perspective again.  I've been granted the ability to feel more for others and am less self focused and self centered than I let myself become for a while.  I am finally again able to begin to think through, imagine, and process the best I can the heavier things of life and in the world.

Recently at small group, my friend said that in Africa, where she recently served on a mission trip, it would be considered a luxury to have the time to sit and ponder God and life and the why's and why nots.  There, it can be a matter of what they will drink or eat for that day.  And yet, so many have joy.  In the midst of their need they are able to praise.  They understand - more than I probably ever will - the need to rely on Him and trust in Him and wait expectantly for Him to provide and rest His hand on them - a place where it seems true joy takes root.

How would I view my world if I were in their shoes?  How would the words of my blog be formed if I were writing from that place in life?  So differently, I would imagine.

And thankfully, in the midst of my never ending questions and mostly needless complaints of life, which is still a struggle for me, He has stayed with me.  Though I often don't understand how He works or why things happen the way they do, I do understand that I have been provided for, I have been given in abundance.  And even in my abundance in life I feel like He's been talking to me recently and showing me what it is to obey Him (just like I find myself daily trying to instill in my kids what it means to obey, He is doing the same to me!) - to love others as He loves us.   

So, as I sit here, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful that I have enough, yet I'm desiring to pray for more passion in life,  for my family, for others, and mostly Jesus.   I want to be more passionate about serving my family and others, I want to find my Joy and more of the face of Jesus in the humbling act of serving others, even during their sometimes messy parts of life.

 I want to give my kids the chance to see the beauty of all that is in loving others.

And so, I am moving forward.  I have been asking Him for opportunities to obey (I refuse to do nothing) and two opportunities have been put into view.  I'm excited and a little nervous even, but I want and need to do something - and that's something I feel passionate about.

Where are you in the ebb and flow of life?  What are you passionate about?


Erin said...

Yay, Sandra! This was great. I love just resting in Him and feeling Him at work.

P.S. I'm really glad you're refusing to do nothing! I'm right there with you!

The Ennists said...

I totally relate with this blog! I often have trouble with passion. I am thankful yes, but really passionate about my Lord and bringing others to him, umm usually not so much. But I want to be. I am when I hear a particularly good sermon or when I think about just how lost most of the world is. But then I go on with my life and get caught up in the day to day busyness and I forget my passion. So I am thankful you have found yours! I pray that God blesses you in these new works He has asked you to do!


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