I think I'm back!

I've been blogged out. After all the pitfalls of our last year, I stopped reading everyone's flowery, pretty, perfect life blogs and quit writing my own. I was in a rut in life (see my previous post) and it was hard for me to share our own journey and equally as hard to read about the perfect lives of those I were "following." So I quit - Yeah, I know, sounds selfish, self-centered and a little angry and I admit, I was all those things. It was definitely a time for searching my life through, and figuring out what was going on with me and what we were looking toward.

So here's an update since the last post: Jon got a new job at the University as the Coordinator of Scheduling (he schedules all the on campus classes for each semester as well as overseeing all of the technology in the classroom building). It all but makes up for our financial shortfall we found ourselves in last year and so far he is doing great and really settling in there.

I am now babysitting a sweet little boy about 15 or so hours a week. It's a double blessing! While I've enjoyed it (and so have the kids!), it's also been another provision from God - the amount I'm making each month just covers are current monthly payments for my jaw treatment.

We are still looking forward toward (and I can sometimes still let myself get a little overwhelmed and anxious about) my surgery next summer. We're still not sure how we're going to do it financially (and there's no backing out now!), but I'm trusting that somehow God will provide. This surgery isn't an option for me (even though insurance seems to think so!) and God has brought me to this point and I know that He will see us through it. Your prayers are appreciated!

All that to say, God has provided! There was a short time where I didn't feel Him in my life if I'm to be honest (despite my knowledge that He was always there), but He continued to provide despite my doubt and anger. Thank goodness for His grace. And slowly He's been bringing me out of my doubt and anger and showing me what I have to look forward to, which is so much. I feel like I've been enjoying my family more again and watching my kids grow and experiencing all sorts of new changes in our life...

Ok, enough rambling. Here are a few pictures from the last few months.

** Ok, some experienced blogger needs to help me figure out how to format these pictures a little easier. I have issues every time!

Celebrating Braeden's 4th birthday.







Above: Playing at Frontier Days this summer.
Far left: Emerson's first day of Kindergarten (she was a little nervous!).
Left: Aunt Katie and Emerson.






Daddy and Landen













Right: At the hospital while Landen was sick. We never did figure out what it was!
My mom and Landen at Braeden's birthday party.

Wondering Why

We have always had it easy. We've always been covered and taken care of. But lately I've been beginning to wonder... and even then we've continued to have a warm home, all the things we need (and even things we just want) and most importantly a family that is healthy. However, it seems like things began going downhill last summer. In August I visited a doctor that informed me that I had degenerative bone disease and a jaw that is on the brink of breaking because of some severe TMJ issues. The treatment I'm undergoing includes braces (again!) and some pretty hefty surgery (scheduled for next summer) that has us looking at $60,000 in medical bills (which insurance may or may not help with - we're not sure yet).

Shortly after, in September Jon was informed he was losing his job as youth pastor for our church (along with the another staff member) reasoned as a budgetary decision. We were surprised to hear the news and really sad. We really miss the ministry and community there. Thankfully, financially, we had raised enough support to help us through the next few months (starting in January).

We're coming up on our last several weeks, however, of our savings and Jon hasn't been able to find a job to replace all of our missing income yet (a job in Laramie is hard to come by!). I've been really beginning to wonder what is next for us.

Most recently, though, on March 9th, we found out we were expecting our fourth little one. We were a little surprised, to be honest. It wasn't something we had planned, but something we welcomed! We love our family and our babies, so we began dreaming of a family of 6. We had our first ultrasound and our little peanut was healthy and looking good! Our follow up appointment a month later, May 12th (at 14 weeks along), came and we went in for our quick listen of the heartbeat. However, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat.

Moments later an ultrasound confirmed our fears and worst nightmare. Our little one wasn't with us anymore. Jon and I were both devastated and my heart was breaking for my family. I have known other familes who have lost babies to miscarriage. I always knew it was a tragedy. I never understood, though, the depth of the hurt, pain, and the broken dream of a having a baby. I have been crying for the loss of my baby, for the loss of a little brother or sister for my other babies, and it has brought about fears of pain and suffering for my little baby as well as deep feelings of guilt. I know some of these emotions are normal and healthy and some not, but it's made me think about, struggle with, and question God and His reasons for letting things like this happen. It's been one of the most painful seasons of my life and leaving me with a desire for firm ground to stand on.

It's even made it really hard for me to get on facebook. Isn't that crazy? Sometimes I can't read status updates of friends that tell of happy events and lives that are put together and perfect. I am so so so thankful for my family, but it just feels like things have been falling apart sometimes and it's like a kick in the gut to see people enjoying their lives (as they should!) when for me, it feels like the world should stop. Unfortunately it's brought about really ugly parts of me.

I can't go on, though, without also saying that I do know deep in the depths of my heart, that I have a God (whether I understand all the why's or not) that loves me and is THE ultimate comforter. It has really been a process of reminding myself to accept the peace that comes from Him and knowing that He carries my burdens. Sometimes I really do rest in that and sometimes I don't, but it's always a journey, isn't it? (Beth Moore has a bible study about Esther. It reminds me of "If ____ (fill in the blank), then God." for anyone else who has read that particular study)

Anyway, our family covets your prayers. And I thought I'd pass along the news to the FB friends who hadn't heard. And thank you to those who have shared love and encouragement with us while we've been pondering all the why's.

My little angels...

Grandma Margaret (updated)

Well, it's been entirely too long since I've blogged - even if it is the sole reader (Hi, Grandpa!) who has asked me to update! :)

There have been a few reasons for my lack of blogging this past month and a half. First, though, it's with sadness I report that my sweet grandmother Margaret passed away on November 21st. She had been dealing with Parkinsons disease among other ailments for as long as I can remember. She's always been strong, but I can celebrate now that she is with our loving Father and she is pain free and home.

My family has been joking (kind of ;-) ) that she is singing with the choir in heaven. She loved music and loved to sing. That's one of the things I loved about her. She passed on that love to her children and from there it traveled to her grandchildren, including myself. Matter of fact, some of my fondest memories of my grandma are of her asking to listen to me play piano, attending concerts when she could, and making me practice as a kid (which I didn't appreciate so much then, but sure do now!). My Aunt Donna (Grandma and Grandpa's oldest daughter) reminded me of that this week, that she was always so supportive and shared her love of music with her family. I so wish I could have heard her sing in her younger years.

Another of my favorite memories is from only a few years ago. Since graduating college I have helped my grandpa with his books for his business on and off through the years. I began when I was pregnant with Emerson and once I had her, Grandma welcomed me to bring her with me when I did my work with Grandpa. She would sit with Emerson in the living room and even though she couldn't hold her because of the Parkinsons, she would entertain her from the chair. Singing, smiling, and laughing with her. Grandma loved Emerson. She loved all her great grandchildren. I have tears in my eyes just writing about it. Does that tell you anything about her? :) She was pretty great. It was amazing (and I use that word sincerely) hearing of her life and all she had done, accomplished, and the people she touched while at her funeral. Her life is well celebrated. And matter of fact, at the funeral I also learned that when she was younger and working for the 1st Presbyterian church in Cheyenne, she organized and cataloged their music and the music library there continues to this day.

Here is a picture from 2005 of four generations of girls.



I'm so thankful for her life and who she was to me.

Her life is celebrated and she is missed!

**** Something I meant to mention and forgot: my grandma emigrated from Scotland when she was in her early 20's (any family correct me if I'm wrong on that number), which has instilled in all of us a great pride of our Scottish ancestry and has allowed my family to travel and see where my Grandma is from and meet her brothers and sisters.
I always loved her teaching me funny little words that she used while in Scotland and I still sing a Scottish folk song to my kids that she sang to hers.
She had a great sense of humor and something I learned recently (and was surprised to find out!) was that she loved to watch pro golf!

Anyway, thanks for reading a few of my favorite things about her. She was pretty wonderful.

Slumber Party and Rock 'n' Roll Braeden

My big girl Emerson is now 5!! To celebrate her big birthday, I allowed her to have her first sleepover with her favorite friends. It was a success! We had pizza (along with carrots and fruit to make it a little more healthy! :) ), then had yummy funfetti cupcakes with chocolate frosting, opened presents, then the girls got in their pj's and sleeping bags to watch the new Barbie and the Three Musketeers movie. Afterward we painted everyone's nails (they got to choose finger or toes!). Then it was time for bed. I anticipated the giggling and whispering and there was some, but they were quiet and asleep by 9 and then up bright and early at 6! I made them pancakes for breakfast and then they were off to their own homes! I must say it was so, so, so much fun! If they all are like that I'll be willing to do that more often! It was fun for me to see Emerson so excited for her slumber party and so giggly with excitment the entire night. Great first experience. Oh, and Braeden did want to join in the festivities, but when I told him he couldn't also sleep in the living room, he was really quite hurt, but I offered him a bowl of his own popcorn to take to bed and that seemed to make it all better!

I'm going to attach some pictures from the fun party and then I have a funny video of Braeden rockin' it on our bed (On a side note, he's doing great, for the most part, with the pottying! Ignore the stripped bed in the movie due to a pee accident. That's beside the point! :))
Sorry, too, for Landen crying in the background. He was mad, and not hurt, which is why I kept the video rolling! :)

October News and Looking Forward

To say there has been excitement these past few weeks would be an understatement!

First, very briefly, we received some pretty heavy news last week from our elders at our church. The elders met with Jon two Fridays ago to tell him the budget for Emmaus Road (where Jon has served as youth pastor the past 3 years and interim-ed for a year before that) was suffering some shortfalls and after praying and agonizing, they had made the decision to cut the stipends that we have been receiving starting in January. That news brought to us a lot of emotion because that would hinder Jon's ability to continue serving with the youth that he's loved and poured his love for Christ into, as well as seriously impact our own finances. Why would that hinder Jon's ability to serve with the youth, you may ask? Well, if you know us, we are a single income family. Because of this cut, Jon or I or both of us will have to pursue another source(s) of income to make up for the shortfall which won't leave much time to continue serving in that capacity.
After a week of grieving over these facts, we've recommitted to serving Emmaus well during Jon's last few months of being on staff and have begun praying for God to close our time on staff with Emmaus in the presence of His love and grace as we begin to look forward.
We have received so much love and support from our family at Emmaus, too, and it has brought about a lot of peace and has reminded me of God's faithfulness and promise to always provide for us. (Matthew 6:28-34)

On a lighter note, we are preparing for Emerson's 5th, that's right, 5th! birthday this week. We had a party planned this past Saturday for all our family, but silly me took the older two kids to my parents house (over the hill in Cheytown) on Friday night. My parents were going to bring them back in time for the party on Saturday, but I didn't check the forecast, which included several inches of snow and fog. Whoops! So Emerson and Braeden both were snowed in and didn't make it back for the party. Well, the rest of the family wouldn't have made it either, I suppose, since they were also traveling from Cheyenne! Ha! Oh, well. Emerson still has her sleepover - her very first sleepover- to look forward to this weekend and I know we'll plan a party sometime very soon so she doesn't get gyped of that special "I'm turning 5!" attention she deserves from the family.

And as the winter season begins (wait, isn't it only early October? Oh yeah, I live in Laramie!) we've already had ourselves a few good snows, but unfortunately our family has been faithfully passing around the latest bug and I have not one good picture of my kids playing in the snow (and as much as I like to say "Ugh!" to this early snow, I always have a little bit of an excited and awakened feeling when I wake up in the morning to a fresh blanket of snow).

So here are some recent ones of us "sicklies" in the house instead:

Braeden and Emerson in their blankie tent in the living room:

Emerson wasn't feeling well this day:

This would be Crayola green marker all over his face:

Please think of her...

A while ago I posted about a beautiful little five year old girl named Kate (please see my previous post here). I've continued to follow her journey through this battle with brain cancer. This little girl is fighting for her life. Last week they had a woman fly in to photograph her and her family. This woman touched the McRae family (Kate's family) in a special way because she is a cancer survivor herself, so they asked her to capture some very special moments with their family. Lidia, the photographer, posted some of the pictures in a video as well as some still shots on her blog here.

I watched it this morning and I literally couldn't hold in my tears. I cried for this family. I absolutely cannot imagine the horror of finding your sweet baby girl has a tumor in her brain that has a better chance to leave you without your daughter than not. And this family keeps sharing her story as to bring more glory to Jesus. I can only shake my head as it leaves me without words.

So if you think of her, please pray for Kate and her family right now. They must be facing the most difficult thing most anybody could ever face - the evil of this cancer trying to take away this precious life. And praise God for how he is using it to share His name.

You can read more of her story at www.prayforkate.com

I have to admit...

I really do have the cutest kids in the world!

Big Birthday Boy Braeden

My big boy just turned three! It's hard to believe that it's possible that he can be three already. I know every parent says that, but I really do know what they mean. It's all flown by so fast! His special day was just that, though, pretty special. His birthday also turned out to be his first day of preschool, so he got to be the special kid that brought cupcakes for snack and after preschool he got to choose where we ate for lunch (of course, it was nowhere other than Burger King!) He took a good nap and then we had dinner and afterward another cupcake, filled with three candles to blow out and we sang to him. I think he was a little tickled to have us sing to him. Anyway, it was a fun day. Then we also had an actual party for him this past Saturday (the week was really all about him!) where our closest friends and family came to enjoy his special day. He sure does have so many people who love him, and rightfully so. He certainly has my heart! I sure do love that boy!

Here are some pictures of his actual birthday and then his party. And the last is from his birthday from last year.

A whole new face...

This is a little bit of a long story, but please bear with me. The past few days have been pretty consumed with thoughts of the doctors appointment I recently went to this past Thursday to the orthodontist. Why am I seeing an orthodontist since I have had braces TWO times already, you might ask? Well, since high school I have had problems and pain with my Temporomandibular joint, the joint that connects the mandible (jaw) to your skull, also known as TMJ.

I have been treated once already for TMJ when I was 19 and I wore a splint in my mouth as well as my second set of braces, which helped in the short term. It really never did completely get rid of my headaches, pain, and locking of my jaw, though. Most recently, I've been experience longer lasting, more intense headaches, more locking, and shooting pain under my teeth. All this to say, this is what brought us to the orthodontist.

After taking indentations of my teeth, several pictures, and a full, 360 degree scan (MRI?) of my skull, I was looking at pictures of my sinuses, teeth, and airway on a humungous (Jon might call beautiful) TV screen. And to make a long story short, my problem is a skeletal problem. It also turns out my joints are about flat from wear (which they should not be), my airway is extremely small, I have pollups in my sinuses, and I have what looks like degenerative bone disease. This doctor teaches doctors around the world about things of the jaw and teeth and he says this is one of the more severe cases he's ever seen which is not something I was really prepared to hear.

He then proceeded to tell me that most people have one optimum option along with a Plan B to treat their symptoms/ailments, but being so severe, I really only have one option. This part was disheartening to hear.

My only option to get it right this time (after braces in highschool and treatment a few years later for the TMJ) is to wear a splint on my lower teeth and braces on my top for 3-6 months while also going through physical therapy, which includes weekly visits. Two things: this doctor is in Ft. Collins and what I will do with my kiddos during this time, I don't know.

After this, I need to have surgery. My impression was that this surgery is very serious and in his professional opinion, it needs to be done by someone who specializes in this very specific surgery. He informed me that the only doctor he would trust is one in Santa Barbara, CA (also, he knows of on in Chile, but we probably wouldn't go to that one!).

Needless to say this is VERY expensive. Thankfully, we do have good insurance, but what we believe at this point will not be covered is very stressful for us and our finances. I also have to figure out what I'll do with my kids while I drive to Ft. Collins for appointments and physical therapy.

Another quirky concern is that my facial structure will change drastically because of all the treatment. The doctor was able to show me what he projected my face to look like after he corrects things and it really will be different me. I'm really struggling with how I feel about this part, as well. I'm sure you can understand why. I'm not looking forward to explaining to people that I didn't have plastic surgery or going through the story of why I look so different. Let alone my kids, who will have a mommy who is looking different, although I guess they get to see me through the transformation, but I digress...

Jon and I have prayed and discussed this a lot the last few days. All in all, though, it sounds like this is something I have to do (or face a broken jaw and much more pain later). I am considering taking frequent pictures so I can see (and maybe encourage myself with tangible progress) how things are changing and be able to show how and why my features had to change so much to both my kids and others.

Thanks for taking the time to read all this! Needless to say it's overwhelming and a little disheartening. I covet all the prayers I can get!

The Kelly Babies

Can you tell who is who? I think we've pretty much made it known that we are done having babies. But as I look through these old baby pictures, it makes me wonder if we'll be able to stick to that decision, especially once Landen begins to grow out of the baby stage (don't tell Jon I just said that!). Anyway, for me, it is fun looking and comparing the pictures of all my babies around the same age. Why don't they just stay little forever? :)
The first three are of the kids right now, but all of the rest of the pictures were taken of my kids when they were between 5 and 7 months old. Oh, they grow so fast!

Braeden's First Big Digger

The first big "digger." Every kid has one. Emerson had one when she was one and a half and now Braeden has had his turn. The kids stayed at Grandma and Grandpa's last night and my parents brought them home this afternoon. When I got home, I saw this :
















I guess he was at a full run out front of my parents' and turned the corner on the sidewalk and took a faceplant. According to my dad he didn't have time to even put his hands in front of him to lessen the impact. You can see the bruise and a little scrape on his nose, but what isn't so clear is how big the bruise actually is (down to his eyebrows) and how big of a knot is protruding from his sweet forehead. Poor baby. Hopefully no one will think I abuse this poor kid!

For fun, or at least an awww, here is a picture of Emerson's first big digger when she fell off the step on the porch of the Archer's house a few years back in 2006 - Note the similar bruise on her forhead and the skinned lip! Thank goodness our kids are so resilient!
















Updated : Ok, I was reminded that this was not Braeden's first digger, but a major one, anyway. :)