Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Wondering Why

We have always had it easy. We've always been covered and taken care of. But lately I've been beginning to wonder... and even then we've continued to have a warm home, all the things we need (and even things we just want) and most importantly a family that is healthy. However, it seems like things began going downhill last summer. In August I visited a doctor that informed me that I had degenerative bone disease and a jaw that is on the brink of breaking because of some severe TMJ issues. The treatment I'm undergoing includes braces (again!) and some pretty hefty surgery (scheduled for next summer) that has us looking at $60,000 in medical bills (which insurance may or may not help with - we're not sure yet).

Shortly after, in September Jon was informed he was losing his job as youth pastor for our church (along with the another staff member) reasoned as a budgetary decision. We were surprised to hear the news and really sad. We really miss the ministry and community there. Thankfully, financially, we had raised enough support to help us through the next few months (starting in January).

We're coming up on our last several weeks, however, of our savings and Jon hasn't been able to find a job to replace all of our missing income yet (a job in Laramie is hard to come by!). I've been really beginning to wonder what is next for us.

Most recently
, though, on March 9th, we found out we were expecting our fourth little one. We were a little surprised, to be honest. It wasn't something we had planned, but something we welcomed! We love our family and our babies, so we began dreaming of a family of 6. We had our first ultrasound and our little peanut was healthy and looking good! Our follow up appointment a month later, May 12th (at 14 weeks along), came and we went in for our quick listen of the heartbeat. However, the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat.

Moments later an ultrasound confirmed our fears and worst nightmare. Our little one wasn't with us anymore. Jon and I were both devastated and my heart was breaking for my family. I have known other familes who have lost babies to miscarriage. I always knew it was a tragedy. I never understood, though, the depth of the hurt, pain, and the broken dream of a having a baby. I have been crying for the loss of my baby, for the loss of a little brother or sister for my other babies, and it has brought about fears of pain and suffering for my little baby as well as deep feelings of guilt. I know some of these emotions are normal and healthy and some not, but it's made me think about, struggle with, and question God and His reasons for letting things like this happen. It's been one of the most painful seasons of my life and leaving me with a desire for firm ground to stand on.

It's even made it really hard for me to get on facebook. Isn't that crazy? Sometimes I can't read status updates of friends that tell of happy events and lives that are put together and perfect. I am so so so thankful for my family, but it just feels like things have been falling apart sometimes and it's like a kick in the gut to see people enjoying their lives (as they should!) when for me, it feels like the world should stop. Unfortunately it's brought about really ugly parts of me.

I can't go on, though, without also saying that I do know deep in the depths of my heart, that I have a God (whether I understand all the why's or not) that loves me and is THE ultimate comforter. It has really been a process of reminding myself to accept the peace that comes from Him and knowing that He carries my burdens. Sometimes I really do rest in that and sometimes I don't, but it's always a journey, isn't it? (Beth Moore has a bible study about Esther. It reminds me of "If ____ (fill in the blank), then God." for anyone else who has read that particular study)

Anyway, our family covets your prayers. And I thought I'd pass along the news to the FB friends who hadn't heard. And thank you to those who have shared love and encouragement with us while we've been pondering all the why's.

4 comments:

Whitney said...

Oh Sandra . . . my heart hurts so immensely for you. I will be faithfully and continually lifting you up in prayer right now. I love you so much. I'm so sorry you have been having such a rough season. I don't want to write any cliche words of comfort, but know that I am so glad that you are choosing the right thing and not leaving God out as you process this painful time. If there's anything you should need at all, please give me a call.

Rebecca Watson said...

Your newest follower! ! Come follow me back!

www.justcherishtoday.com

have a great day! :)

JOY said...

I know you don't know me - but your story really touched me. I know I don't understand your pain and it doesn't seem right for good people to have to suffer so. But I do know that the Lord knows you and loves you. I believe that he not only suffered for our sins in the Garden - he also suffered our heartbrakes and pains. He is the only one who truly understands your pain and how to help you through it. You are so wise to continue to pray and trust Him - even when your confidence in Him waivers. Some days you just have to go through the motions and just keep taking one step after one step. You can do this. Never give up. And keep pouring your heart to the Lord - He will bear you up. For what it's worth, I add my prayers for you to the prayers of all your friends and family.

Angie said...

Hi Sandra,

I know we don't know each other but I am a friend of Jon's and he recently told me about the loss of your little one. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine the pain and heartache. Your questioning God is normal and something I've always taken comfort in is knowing that He can take our anger and confusion and He understands it. It's all part of His great love for us. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

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