What can happen in 17 days time? What could go wrong? It's work and a continual decision to trust God with my kids. When fevers rise, when I drop them off at someone's house (when one has a severe food allergy), when dropping them off at school each day I can sometimes let my mind run wild - thinking of what can go wrong, what will happen when I'm not there to protect their little bodies or even their little ears and eyes from what they see and hear. It's tough to trust, to let them go into this scary world - even in the limited amount it actually happens when they're this small.
However, 41 days from now, I'll be leaving them for 17 days. I let scenarios of what could happen run through my head. I know and trust the people who will be with my kids. They all love them and will protect them, but not like I will. Not like Jon does.
Taking on three kids that aren't yours is hard for anyone. Guilt of burdening someone with this hard task is hard to avoid.
What if after all that time, I come home and they don't want me? It's not only time that could affect their reaction and affection to me after all that time - I'll be different - look different (click here or here for more details about why). I'll be swollen and bruised. What if it's scary to them?
And the most terrible, awful situation - what if something happens to me? My babies need me. I can't even go there in my thoughts.
I'll be missing Braeden's birthday and the first day of school. And this breaks my heart. Two big, momentous occasions and their mommy won't be there.
I won't be there for the tears, bedtime stories, daytime adventures, and bad dreams for most of a month.
They're going to grow so much.
I wish this were a choice. I wish I didn't have to go.
One of my nurses preparing me for the surgery has assured me that it's for the best. It's only a small amount of time in the long scheme.
I'll have time to rest and recover in one of the most beautiful places (Santa Barbara, California) and amazingly enough (and I don't believe by coincidence) with good friends nearby to help.
My headaches will finally be relieved. I'll be able to eat without fear of popping, locking, or pain. I'll be able to breathe better. Everything will be structurally better.
But guilt overwhelms. Fear takes over. Tears come easily. This is hard.
I'm going to miss them so, SO much (I can't write this without tears filling my eyes).
Jon will be with me, to which I am so thankful and grateful for. I wish, though, that if I have to be gone, that he could be with them. But I know I'll need him near.
And until then I am soaking up my time, trying to make it quality.
We talk often of what next month holds and that it will be fun. They'll be playing with friends and Grandma and Grandpa.
I won't be able to talk much, but we'll see each other over Skype. I hope they want to tell me about their fun each day.
They'll each have a book of their own with pictures of our family together to take with them (though they don't know this yet - I'm surprising them with it before we leave).
Would you please pray for me and my family? Pray for protection, peace, safety, recovery, and hard adjustments. Pray for fun with friends and time to go quickly. Pray for readjustment when we do come home and that we can fall back into our 'normal' quickly. And please pray for perseverance as I won't be able to eat for at least 4 months (if not longer) - only liquid and blended diets - and because I'll be swollen and uncomfortable for up to a year.
Thanks, friends. Thanks for your prayers and letting me pour my heart out. This is easily one of the most difficult things I'll ever do. And I appreciate all the encouragement, support, scripture and prayers I can get.