Warning - this post is probably a little emotional (probably not probably, it is emotional) and raw.
Tonight I found a blog written by another person who had very similar surgery by the same surgeons as I will have. It's been so interesting! She did a great job of writing day by day with pictures to document her progress, frustrations, and celebrations as time passed.
I'm only 3 weeks into her journey post-op, however, and I'm feeling more and more discouraged. I had to stop reading. Her posts, while actually very upbeat and encouraging, are showing me what I'm really up against. She is three weeks out and between muscle relaxers, pain medication, and her body just needing to rest between the lack of calorie intake and plane tiredness from major surgery, she is still extremely exhausted every day. She sleeps A LOT. I just don't know how I'm going to do it when I get home. She is exhausted and rests all day. She's young (24 years at the time, I believe) and had no complications and it's really hard for her to get up and even make herself her blended meals.
My reality is that when I get home from California, I'll only have Jon home for four more days before he has to go back to work and I"m on my own with my two year old and five year old at home, drop-off's, pick up's, making lunches, and just trying to keep up. I'm SO overwhelmed at this thought. I began crying about it (I know, I can be pretty emotional about all of this!) and I think it frustrated Jon that I was stressing so much about something that hasn't even happened yet. I just don't know how I'm going to do it, though.
I guess this is the part where I should just trust in God, day by day, to give me the strength to do exactly what I need. And so I'll try. I'll make my moment by moment choice to trust. It's just hard, it's overwhelming, and I, unfortunately, can be a worrier by nature anyway.
My kids will need me and I'm worried I won't be able to do it.
Another thing - It is SO hard for me to take help from friends and family, especially when they have families of their own, because first, I just feel guilty that I can't take care of the family that needs me, and second, I'm constantly thinking about how the people helping would probably much rather be taking care of their own family and not mine - that they'll be resentful that they had to. I don't want to ask for help, I don't want to make people uncomfortable and pressured into helping, but I don't know if I can avoid it and I HATE that. I want to be in control and independent and not need anyone else. It's very much an inner struggle for me. And perhaps I won't, and honestly, I hope it's that way.
Jeeze, do I sound negative, or what? I guess I just needed to be real.
I'm nervous, I'm scared, it's going to be hard and painful and the swelling, I've heard that's the worst. Right now I just feel mad. I don't want to do this. I want to just say, you know what, I'll just deal with the headaches and pain and popping and locking. I don't care! I just want to quit! This is too hard - and I've not even made it to surgery yet! I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about walking into the surgeon's office again. I don't even want to look at them again. I don't.
It's not like me to want to throw a tantrum (except maybe only to myself or even Jon sometimes - ha!). But I'm feeling it now - at 30 years old. I think this is the most raw and real I've been feeling about it. I feel like I've been poured too full, and now it's spilling out.
Tomorrow will probably be better and hopefully I'll be through with all the negativity. Please, please pray for me to have the right attitude, that somehow I make it through the days when I get home (that my kids won't starve, accidentally hurt themselves while I'm passed out in a muscle-relaxant coma, and make it to school each day), and to have hope and somehow even joy through the process (which, honestly, seems absolutely impossible right now). Right now, I just don't know if I can make it!
Seriously, can I back out now?
How's that for some venting, huh?