Monday, September 19, 2011

An apology

I need to apologize.  I'm sorry for the rant last night.  It was written out of anxiety and partly some anger, which is never a good place in which to write from, especially not writing through something I should think more carefully through, something that does not represent the entirety of this journey of mine, thus far.  It was a moment in time, and thankfully my 'tantrum' has passed.

I've said in the past, and it is still true, that God has brought us through TREMENDOUS obstacles to get this far, so while it seems like I expressed doubt, I have genuinely never thought He wouldn't bring me through.  I know and trust He will.  I let my anxiety take hold last night and again, it's not a good place to express the best of my thoughts and feelings.

Second, I have had SO many people love and bless me through service over the past several years and I am deeply sorry if it seemed that I have not been so thankful, humbled, and blessed by those acts.  The funny thing is that I feel that one of my 'love languages' is acts of service and when others need help, my heart desires to help.  Matter of fact, if my help is refused, it's hard for me not to be unnecessarily sensitive about that.  
Unfortunately my heart is also prideful and I let my pride speak before I thought through what I was saying.  

For those of you who have helped me in the past (and there are many), I love you and I am SO thankful you allowed God to use you to minister to my heart and serve me.  That's one of his greatest commandments - to love and serve your neighbor as yourself, to pour yourselves out to help and serve others - and He will richly bless you.  I truly believe that and I'm sorry I did not show or express that in my previous post.  It was a lie and an ugly part of me that I let speak instead of Truth.

Thanks for loving me through this journey friends and fellow bloggers and readers.  This venue has allowed ME to be richly blessed and encouraged and I am so thankful that I do have an amazing support system, tremendous people who love me, my husband, and children enough to recognize that while it is so hard for me to ask for help, they offer and intervene anyway.  They love me enough to speak truth and love to me.  Enough to try and understand the giant I'm facing and bear this burden with me.  

So again, I'm sorry.  Thanks for loving and encouraging me through the thick and thin.  I so appreciate it.  I can't promise I may not have another tantrum after next week ;), but I'll try my best to be thankful for what I DO have and how God will use this trial in my life for something Good, for His purposes, and so somehow I can serve others through this as well.  

Thanks for sticking with me.  :)

1 comment:

JenRN said...


I usually don't respond to blog posts, because I have difficulty expressing what's on my mind and in my heart, but in this case, I'm going to try.

I have read both of your posts from the past two days and please, please believe me when I say YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

You are going through something huge and scary and you have every right to be nervous. I work in medicine every day and I would feel exactly the same way. This is a big deal. While I deeply believe that is will be a good thing for you in the end, there will be more than you fair share of hard stuff. You have been so strong. You are one of the most sweet and caring people I have ever met. I know this from being around you and also have it on good authority from many others. :-) You have every right to rant, and ask questings, and be scared.

When I read your blog, I didn't see someone who was losing faith or being ungrateful. I saw someone who has been through a lot, someone who loves her friends and family deeply, and someone who is thinking ahead and being realistic. You weren't even worrying about yourself for the most part, you were concerned for your family. As for faith...God knows you. He knows your heart and what you are going through. I know in my heart He understands and feels your pain. He's pretty smart like that. :-)

I commend you on your ability to speak frankly. I struggle with the same inability to ask for help and pride in that area as you do and I am proud of you for being strong enough to admit it. I know I have never been able to.

There is so much I'd like to say. Just know that you are in my heart and in my prayers. I hope I haven't overstepped in writing this. If you ever need anything that I can help with let me know. Matt and Shelly have my number (not gonna put it on here) :)


Jen Coulter


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