Friday, March 16, 2012

Escaping Reality

Yesterday afternoon, I excused myself to the bathroom to cry.  I had just written an email to a friend who had asked to pray for me.  The flow of words that came out of me, fingers typing so fast to her, feeling anxious that her prayers couldn't come quickly enough, couldn't hold the flood of tears that had been brimming my eyes that whole time.   I sat, in the dark, and let myself get to the point of being unable to catch my breath.  Details surrounding my surgery, my hair loss (again), some of the ugliness in my own heart, and some tears of anger wondering why some things are the way they are just plain caught up with me (sorry to be so vague).
I had to ignore a friend who came by to see me because I was in no shape to be seen or talked to at that moment.  I'm sure anything I would have been able to blubber out wouldn't have made sense anyway.  I value being looked upon as being at least mostly put together and in that light, that moment was a major fail.  Thankfully my friend is one who has loved me unconditionally over the past several years and wrote me words of love and encouragement a short time later (which were surely part of an answered prayer that I had been crying through in my dark bathroom).
As is thankfully common after such a cry, I felt pressed to do something about it.  And so, what is becoming somewhat of a theme for me (though this time it didn't come without a temper tantrum) I knew I should press on to choose joy, knowing that I am being given perseverance.  There's no option to give up or quit, so I persevere.  And try my damnest to do it with joy.  No trudging, looking down into the sticky, ugly, muddy, messy parts of life (though there may be some moments here and there), but looking up, looking ahead, and pressing on.  Choosing joy of the things I have been given all along the journey.

James 1:2  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Take that trials of life!

From 2012-03-14

(Yep, that hair on my head - fake.  I decided to give in and just start wearing my rug - and embrace it.  :) )

And, you know, I have an awesome husband who saw through me to the feeling of being trapped I had inside and took the afternoon off to take me to a city nearby, 20 degrees warmer to play with our kids, soak in the sun.  


And, like one more small gift, one I didn't even really appreciate until I was home and the kids were asleep, I plugged in my camera and glanced at the last few pictures I took that day.  In these particular ones,I recalled trying to snap it quickly while we were driving home, angling myself across the dash to get it and quickly thinking it was impossible and gave up.  And reviewing those pictures, I found this gem.  

(Granted, I totally cropped out the dashboard and window frame, but whatever.)

Of course, once at home again, none of our problems are really gone, but my attitude was in a better place and I breathed a sigh of relief.  

It's ok.  I'm ok.  

Real life continues to throw itself forward and grown up responsibilities aren't going away, but neither am I.  The long haul awaits.  

1 comment:

BF said...

What a beautiful family you have. Also love that you broke the mold, and are stepping out of the norm. You look beautiful! Very inspiring.


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