The Simply Inspired Life

When it snows...

2012-02-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

We play. :)

Room to breathe

2012-02-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

(Not the best composed picture, but I love his baby face with that awesome after-nap hair)

Wednesday evening Jon came home from work, and upon seeing me sitting, quite exhausted, on the couch he ordered me (in the most loving way) to leave. He said I could do whatever I wanted and stay out as long as I wanted.

This mom didn't wait. I grabbed my coat and my Kindle, hopped in our family mini van and left, having no idea where I was going.

I decided to take advantage of this rare freedom and did something I never got to do - I totally went to the Wendy's drive through, got myself a large fry with a frosty to dip them in, and a coke (I know, pretty crazy, huh?). I found a semi-secluded parking lot. I sat, ate my perfect blend of salty and sweet dinner, and lost myself in some of my favorite music. I thought, played a little on my phone, thought some more, and thoroughly enjoyed my solitude for a few hours. I did NOTHING and it was fantastic!

Seriously, I should do this more often. I need to room to breath and to just be sometimes. It was good for my soul (as lame as I just realized sitting in my car for a few hours really does sound! Ha!)

And after I returned home, Emerson (who was the only kiddo awake by the time I got back), Jon and I critiqued and judged the contestants on American Idol before retiring to bed. A good ending to my night.

I have heard many times that in order to be the best wife to your husband, mom to your kids, and friend to your friends, you also have to remember to take care of yourself, too. It's true. You do.

Some other things from this week:

Silly time with a mirror. Have you ever watched a child look at themselves in the mirror? The enhanced drama in our conversation when their reflection is near or the discovering of new funny faces, freckles, and teeth in their mouth is fully entertaining for both them and me!

And I may have played a little, too.

My littlest is turning 3 in just 10 days! It's completely unbelievable and shocking that my baby will be 3, but here it is, his 3rd birthday just around the corner. And like I have with my other two, I had grand plans and ideas for his birthday pictures
.

Wyoming weather, however, had other plans. Surprised? No. But after this attempt in the cold, which lasted all of 2 minutes before his little nose was red and running, I'm just waiting for just ONE nice(r) day to get these ideas I have into photo form for this special day.

And last, a few I snapped with my phone! (All of these are on Instagram. If you are, too, my user name is sandra_kelly). I have to say, I'm loving having this phone to whip out in those instances where I want to catch something in a quick moment.

Heading to Cheyenne this weekend to hopefully snap some good ones of my favorite sister, her husband, and the two sweet babies in her tummy. Praying the weather holds out!

Happy Friday! Have a great weekend!

Qualifying our problems

2012-02-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

Nearing the end of a Bible study session this week, the group of 30 (give or take) women were asked if there were anything that we could pray together for. Several ladies shared things, deep things, sicknesses, children who were suffering, grad school application denials, deaths in families, and a few other requests. The heavier stuff of life was among us. Usually I remain quiet among this big group of women, yet something pushed me to say something.

I cleared my throat. "Well, this isn't in the same category as some of the needs and hurts occurring in this room, but..."

I was interrupted.

"Sandra, you don't need to qualify, it is what it is. It's important."

"Ok, well..." Dangit, the tears! I hated that there were tears when normally there were none with thoughts of this. Struggling to compose myself, I said, "Um, it's my hair. You may have noticed that I wear hats all of the time. Well, since my surgery in September, I've been losing my hair. It's almost all gone." I had to stop again. Breathe. "Anyway, you know, as a woman, it's just hard sometimes." That's all I could get out. My eyes were spilling with tears and I stopped. A friend seated next to me pulled me close, held my hand, and sat with me while we prayed.

Mine and all of the other requests were prayed over and afterward I had several women approach me, offering their apologies that I was facing this. And I found myself saying it again, "It's nothing like what So-and-So is facing, so I'm thankful that all it IS is losing my hair, and not something more..."

The friend that interrupted me the first time happened to be standing near me as I was explaining this. "Sandra, stop qualifying it. Your hair, it's a big deal. It's hard. It's ok to be sad and hurt that it's happening right now. Don't compare it or yourself to anyone else."

And there it was.

Release.

Where did all these tears come from? Seriously, I haven't once been emotional about my hair up to this point...yet it was such a relief! I suddenly felt the permission to grieve this loss. Though seemingly insignificant to the deep losses and struggles that some of these friends faced, knowing that even if it ISN'T life threatening or physically painful, it is still MY loss!

Still holding dear the deep pain that my friends were facing, I was also given permission to not compare. I was allowed to feel the pain of being a woman who is mostly bald, in a world that glorifies physical beauty. And it kind of sucks.

And gosh, I cried. Thankfully, I was able to keep most of it in until I got into my car (and my sweet two year old asked, "Are you sad, Mommy?").

It's true that I am lucky. It is only my hair. But it's ok for me to grieve AND still trust that He is using this for His good. And I do. As I've said before, I'm still choosing to believe that God is using this to place beauty in my life where most of the world would find anything but beauty. And I am growing in that truth. I know I am.

Have you found yourself qualifying your struggles in life? Do you explain to others (and to yourself) that well, it could be so much worse? It's true! It could be worse, but it is what it is to you. And it's hard right now, in your life, and that is important. Important to you, important to those who love you, and most of all important to God. No need to qualify here. You have permission to grieve.

Linking up with Shell today at Things I Can't Say.

Some Friday Favorites

2012-02-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

As much as I talk about how fast time flies and how I wish I could hold on to these moments, which is still true, I think I feel an equal amount of excitement as I watch the dynamics and relationships grow and change as the days pass by. My conversations with my kids, Emerson and Braeden in particular, get to hold substance beyond the short simple answers and vague conversations they used to. And with it, the level of trust and friendship doesn't necessarily go up a notch, but perhaps just a few notches deeper, if that makes sense. Anyway, one of the new things I've so enjoyed is the notes that have become a habit of being found on Emerson's white board. Everyday after she goes to school I check it. Every day when she gets home, she checks it, because there is bound to be a continuing conversation about our days left on there. It has quickly become one of my favorite things.

Sister and brother roles have made their adjustments, too. One of their new pastimes has become Emerson reading her big-kid chapter books to Braeden (can I just throw in Junie B. Jones - hilarious!), which inevitably leads to a lesson in phonograms and how to sound out words, which made me feel kind of bad for Braeden because he couldn't just enjoy the story, until I realized her little lessons were working! That kid can sound out words to both read and write pretty well now! Who knew?!

Guess my job as mom is done!

Braeden has rediscovered his love for his stuffed animals (I've noticed the trend of certain toys continually going in and out of style). These guys showed up to watch a movie with us the other day.

And then there's this kid.

Landen. These days, this is how bedtime goes down. Face snuggled into the soft side of his green pillow pet and my right hand cupped around the chub of his left cheek. Soon, he begins to smack his lips, a signal that his eyes will soon be blinking their final blinks. It's then that he tries to hold onto those last moments of consciousness by fidgeting around, rubbing his head and running his fingers through his hair. Then, its my cue to take his hand, settling those figity fingers, and I give it one last squeeze, almost magically sending him off to dreamland.

Almost every night ends like this....

And since I've already got two pictures of this sleeping baby, here's just one more...

I don't think the joy of breathing in my kids as they sleep will ever fade.

Oh, and I'm going to take a cue from several of my bloggy friends and do a Friday Phone Dump. These are all pictures I've taken with my phone and are on Instagram (if you are, too, my user name is sandra_kelly)!

Until next time.... :)

(Linking up with Rachel at Finding Joy today!)

Introducing a dream

2012-02-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

A year ago Jon ordered a camera at my request. Our little point and shoot began to fade. So, after hunting on Amazon, researching prices, and studying options, he decided unexpectedly to purchase a DSLR camera. I had no idea what that meant at the time. I thought it was a hefty investment for a family camera, but he DID know much more about photography than I did (dabbling in it when he was in high school on the yearbook staff).

It turned out to be a divine purchase, so to speak. It was an answer to prayer I didn't know that could possibly be an answer, helping me discover a truly unknown passion I had hidden in my heart. It was something that literally could only have come from God and his ridiculously crazy ways of working through the prayers and desires of my heart.

I picked it up, shot several pictures on the auto setting, began capturing some beloved moments with my family, and finding so much beauty created with this camera I held in my hands- before I even knew it- it was my turn - me who got to take off running. I was given the amazing opportunity to turn my corner. I wasn't looking for it, but it found me.

Jon, having no idea where this might lead, took a chance and believed in me and let me run. Investing in classes and forums and software so I could learn more. I couldn't and didn't want to stop learning more. I soaked it in, I read everything I could get my hands on, and I played with that camera like it was no ones' business. I took thousands (it's possible that could actually be a literal number!) of pictures of my own family. I began taking pictures of friends and their families, discovering the joy it gave me to gift them with pictures of their own. Pictures they were excited and proud to grace their walls with. And now, a year later, I am taking my chance, a leap of faith. I'm doing something I never thought possible. I'm pursuing something seemingly dropped in my lap. I'm committing to learning more, striving to do better, seeking out the depth of my creativity, and buckling down to pursue a dream.

I am completely humbled, amazed, so excited and absolutely blessed to announce that I and my best friend (who has inspired me first with her own pictures and has a beautiful eye for catching moments with her camera) are starting a professional photography business together!!

Never in a million years would I have ever guessed or even thought that this could be a reality.
But here it is.

I am officially introducing.....

www.KellyCoulterPhotography.com

If you feel so inclined, you can click on the image above to be taken to our new website! And, for fun, if you visit out Facebook Page and 'Like' us, we'll be hosting a giveaway in a few weeks. Go to the page for the details. :)

The desire of our heart is to bless the people we are so fortunate to interact with with beautiful memories that they are proud to display, while continuing to develop and feed our desire to create beautiful photos.

If it weren't for the love, support, and encouragement from most of my friends and family and especially Jon, this may never have come to be. So, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Here's to the future, here's to perusing something new, and here's to capturing glimpses of fun and beauty in peoples' lives.

And, as always, thanks for coming along on my journey. So thankful to have you.

Linking up today with Shell at Things I Can't Say!

Inspired

2012-01-12T21:58:00.006-07:00

I've been inspired. Inspired can reach a long way, too, as I realized I was inspired today pouring my kiddos some chocolate milk, wanting to give them something to be excited about, and squeezed an extra squeeze of chocolate into their cups, just because.

Kind of silly, right? But the realization that I can let inspired flow into the small things I do each day has given me an extra bit of joy in the small menial tasks I perform almost ritually (can I just say that laundry has been caught up on for a few weeks now. That is amazing for me!).

The source of this inspiration has come from a few different places, hitting me seemingly all at once, giving me motivation to do things I'd never in a million years thought I'd even consider doing. Showing itself in the way I respond to my kids, the way I take my pictures, the excitement I allow myself when Jon walks in the door after he gets home from work, the words I've never realized I loved to write and in life choices I'm making.

I realize because of this inspiration and the drive its given me to pursue and do more, that things could get more busy, but in this season of my life, busy is good for my soul. Part of that busy will be the regular business of playing on the floor building towers, chasing giggling and squealing kids down the hall, and the never ending dropping off and picking up from school and other activities. And this new busy is one that will push me, stretch me, probably make me uncomfortable at times. However the joy, excitement, and suspense of this new business in life is a driving force for me these days and I'll take it while it's there. Realizing this high in life right now may not last forever, I'm choosing not to let that pervade any of thoughts of the future, but breathing in this fresh breath of life that seems to have invaded and just grasping for the clouds right now. As a friend recently reminded me, the sky is the limit!

(One I took with my phone this afternoon.)

Now, some of the things we've been up to lately

Strep throat. Yep, that's what we've been up to. Every single member of my family, except me, has had strep at least twice in the last 3 months. Yep, the words at least means some have had it more. If you know me, you know I'm fanatical about cleaning my home after sickness has settled in, so I can't figure out why this yucky bug seems to be so persistent, but I'm taking in all the extra snuggle time it provides for me in the meantime. :) (Besides, if there is any weather that's better to be sick in, it's the current weather here. We've been in the negatives for windchill the last few days.)

I picked up The History of Love by Nicole Krauss from the library. This has recently been one of those sources of inspiration for me. The richness of her words and the weaving of stories has been inspiring. I haven't finished it yet, but am waiting until after I publish this post and will hopefully finish it tonight!

Emerson did her first real presentation at school the other day. She presented her bag report (a book report in a bag) to her 1st grade class the other day and did beautifully. :)

This is a still I took from video, so it's a little blurry, but check out that Puss in Boots drawing. She worked on that for forever!

Since sickness has settled, forts have been built and pajamas worn all day long, Dance Wii has been played creating lots and lots of giggles. It's been a fun, relaxing day. :)

Last, I've been inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, Kelle Hampton (perhaps you've heard of her?!), who has two beautiful girls, one of which, Nella, is about to turn two and has Down Syndrome. She has done so much to raise awareness about children blessed with an extra chromosome. Last year, for Nella's 1st birthday, she asked for people to donate towards NDSS with a lofty $15,000 goal. She amazingly raised over $100,000! Isn't that insane?
So, this year, Kelle is shooting for 2 for 2, that is a $200,000 goal, including what was raised last year for Nella's second birthday. Last I checked she was up to $150,000. You should go check out her blog. Seriously, it's amazing, and then check out the page she's set up through NDSS to raise money in honor of Nella and read about her heart for this cause. You can go here to check it out.

Ok, I'm off to finish that book! Goodnight and I hope you are able to find some inspiration this next week!

Why, hello there, Blog!

2012-01-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

Push myself.

Try something new.
Learn more.
Start SOMEWHERE!

I haven't been in the blogosphere lately and I have SO missed it. I miss this online journal and the diffuser of my thoughts. :) While I've been MIA, though, these phrases above have been consuming my mind and I'm super excited to say I'm following through on these ideas. There will be more details to come soon (SO excited!)!

Until then, though, I've been asked to post some more follow up and/or comparison pictures of my face. It's been almost 4 months since my surgery (and not quite two and a half years since I began this whole process) and it no longer swims around my daily thoughts. I feel almost completely back to normal, still stretching those muscles and ligaments 3 times a day (most of the time, because I forget sometimes!) and hopefully next week I'll be given permission to start eating completely normally again. Whoop! That is cause for excitement and celebration in my opinion! I'm excited to have this all completely behind me and and next week marks one more step toward having this all in the past!

So, without further ado, I'll start from the very beginning. :) (I'm kind of excited to see this for myself as I've never lined all the pictures up side by side before!)

The day I began all the treatment with my splint (can you see the clear plastic "thing" over my teeth?)

Shortly after getting my braces put on

Several months into braces - I, personally, can see how they moved my teeth out a little
making my "toothy" smile seem huge!

These two were taken only a few months before surgery.

These two were taken a day (or maybe two?) before surgery

1 week post surgery

These two were taken shortly after we got back home, so probably about a month post surgery.

A month and a half post surgery.

A silly photo I took with my phone - 3 months post surgery.

And finally, this was just taken a few days ago at almost 4 months post surgery.

It's surprising to ME when I look at the very first picture and compare it to the last one. I can honestly say I feel good about the changes that have been made. I'd be lying if I said I was never self conscious of that big gummy smile before, so I'm happy with my new smile. I feel like it's changed the way I look quite drastically sometimes, yet I know that I still look like me, if that makes sense.

I have yet to really experience any pain at all (except this darn philips screw that is still in my gums - for only one more week - that rubs my upper lip). And still, I have numbness. But, really, that's the worst of it, and not really something to complain about!

Unfortunately, though, since surgery, I have also been losing my hair, once again. It's mostly gone on the top of my head. So for me, wearing hats has become routine lately (if you're wondering why you've seen me in nothing BUT hats these days!). Thankfully, though, it's been easier for me to not dwell on it this time. I have other things that are filling me up and giving me life and allowing me the freedom to not stress a lot about it. I still am consciously making the choice to look for the ways this is a blessing. I still certainly hope this passes quickly (and sometimes I really wish I could understand why my body reacts the way it does to certain things), but for now, I'm ok. :)

Hopefully in the next post will come sooner rather than later!

Ahhh, so good to be blogging again. :)

What December looks like...

2011-12-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted, but our home has been full this month of December. As hard as it is to see time pass so quickly and the kids grow and change even more quickly, I love what comes with age - more understanding, more conversation, more wonder and awe of the spirit of this season. And there has been plenty of all of these things. New traditions have been started, old ones continue, and my love of sharing the meanings of the traditions we hold dear has not faded one bit. Here is a glimpse of what the past few weeks have held for us!

Snow fun!

New traditions: Our Jesse Tree

Preschool Christmas programs (there's Braeden)!

Taking family Christmas pictures of good friends

Go Cowboys!

Christmas wonder.

Can I also just throw out there how thankful I am for social media? I know it can be such a time suck, I know it can be an unhealthy thing, but I just have to say I'm grateful for the far reaching way of receiving and giving support, empathy, and encouragement from family and friends you never thought you'd see again. These past few months have been full of an encouragement I've not known was possible except through Facebook.

Finally, the last picture I posted above, the one of Emerson and the tree, is up for votes on a local holiday photo contest. If you wouldn't mind stopping by and giving me your vote (only if you believe I truly deserve it!) I would be grateful! There are some pretty nice prizes up for grabs! Oh, and you can vote once a day until the 22nd. Thank you! The link is http://laramielive.com/holiday-lights-photo-contest-voting-now-open/ . It's the 5th photo and the caption is Kelly- Child by Christmas Tree.

I hope you are enjoying the season and breathing in the feeling of celebration. I'm trying to savor every moment!

(P.S. I'm using these last two pictures for my You Capture: Light post today! Merry Christmas!)

What's important. This is it...

2011-11-25T20:47:00.001-07:00

Like the past two days, we woke up to kids jumping on our bed, ready to go at 6 a.m. Showers, followed by a thankfully short-lived chase of Landen, who escaped our hotel room (which required a call to the front desk as he was nowhere to be found) and enjoyed a few rides, I assume, up and down the elevator, and then we loaded into the car to drive the 15 miles or so to the expanded land of my Grandpa.

The build of my family isn't so unlike that which my grandparents had. The oldest, a girl, and then two boys (my dad being the youngest). As I sat in what used to be my grandma's chair today, I thought back on my memories of this house. This, the house my dad grew up in, with the shag carpet and rolling doors and the acres of land that used to house cows, pigs, and chickens. Memories of the stories my grandma used to tell of her own kids walking out each day to milk the cows and memories she had of my sister and I when we visited several times a year and we each had our own "pet" chickens.

I walked to the window and looked out to see my dad trekking up the "mountain," (as Braeden calls it) not with me and my sister, but now with my own kids. Behind them held a beautiful landscape of blue mountains covered in snow and the heavy line of trees where I can't see it, but I know familiarly that they house and shelter a creek that runs through the land.

The smell of this house takes me back every single time. Images of my grandma, who passed away only 6 years ago, are as fresh in my mind as the new snow that was already melting away today in the warm sun. There are the results of the touch of her hand everywhere I look. Pictures on the wall of family old and new, the cross stitching project I made for her when I was in third grade, the owl pot hanger positioned just above the stove...

I took over dinner tonight as my parents left for a while this evening. I was in charge of reheating Thanksgiving dinner from last night in a home with no microwave. As I worked around the oven, transferring pieces of last nights meal from one container to another, the sounds of rambunctiousness were above my head. Several times I trekked up the old, creaky wooden stairs to check on my little ones. Once, I came through the attic door to find Landen holding a small, old, pretty blue bottle with an overwhelming aroma of flowers in the air. As I cleaned him up and collected the bottle and its lid, I realized I was smelling what would have been a scent that perhaps she wore when she was younger, and that this scene probably wouldn't have been too foreign to her - chasing down her own three children, while trying to make dinner, and laughing to herself as she cleaned up the pieces, knowing that this was her joy.

As we ate the delicious food (prepared the night before by my mom, who makes an amazing Thanksgiving meal), I watched, as if from looking outside in, as my grandpa teased my kids, conversation was free-er than usual and we all enjoyed each others company.

And as Jon and I were cleaning up, I came upon this scene. Three generations a part, yet not so far apart to enjoy each others' company.

I sat down and breathed in the events of the day; the memories continuing to be made in this old, old house. Emerson learned to cross stitch since we've been here. My own kids found a creek and climbed the same "mountain" I did for the first time long, long ago. I walked into the back porch that my children call the "garage" to find, with tears in my eyes, my two oldest dancing together, Braeden twirling Emerson like a princess. Looking out the window and not only seeing the most beautiful landscape, but equally as beautiful, the scene of Emerson and Braeden dancing and acting silly as Landen laughed hysterically in front of them.

I learned life lessons in this house. I've felt a lot of love in this house. This is a place that houses so many memories of my childhood, of time with my family, of getting to know my grandma and grandpa as they spoiled me with food and gifts and especially of being so tickled by my grandma's funny stories.

This house has seen so much. It's given a home to stories of family and babies born in my grandparents' kids and then grandkids' families. It's also been a home of our tears and comfort after my grandma passed away after living a long life. And the funny stories and sweet memories continue.

This is life, this is what is important, and this is truly what I am thankful for. This, right here.

A jaw surgery update and Little boys love Christmas lights!

2011-11-23T20:06:00.001-07:00

Right now, I hear a baby crying in the hallway of the hotel we are staying in. The kids are sleeping soundly in the adjoined room next door and Jon and I have settled down ourselves for the night! Tomorrow we will embark on making the drive out of town to my grandpa's beautiful land where we will be celebrating Thanksgiving with dear family and play outside in the crisp mountainous air and the most anticipated play with Max, the dog (which is quite humerus because my kids are 100% afraid of all dogs they ever run across, but for whatever reason, Max is different. Silly kids!) I am content.

So today marks 8 weeks! The time has gone by so fast. The joy of being home and regaining my strength with my littles nearby has been peppered here and there by the frustration of a liquid/puree diet and a still mostly numb chin and teeth, however healing has been much easier among the business of school schedules of 2 and a two year old!

Some small achievements:

I'm not sure how many millimeters I can open at this point, but I'm able to fit 9 tongue depressors stacked between my teeth. That is a stretch from the four I began with! (It's my gauge at home to make sure I'm making progress with all of my stretching).

Feeling has just begun to come back into my chin. It's not the relief I was expecting, though! The nerves on my chin, when touched (or blown on by the wind), sends pain through the roots of my bottom teeth. My skin feels like skin when it's "waking up" from being "asleep," but on steroids. I'm wishing it along quickly to get full feeling again and get past the sensitivity.

The screw in my upper gums is driving me crazy, but I've been informed that I'll get this thing (all 1 inch of it) taken out in January (along with the hook in my bottom gums).

Swelling is down, but I still have some remaining, which I knew would probably be the case.

Finally, 8 weeks, is a special milestone! I was given permission to eat soft foods (scrambled eggs, overcooked noodles, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie... Hello Thanksgiving! Woo!) and probably as exciting, I am allowed to sleep on my side again! Ah, such RELIEF! My first Gerber-graduate type meal meal was Perkins' pancakes. SO, so good! (I'll note, though, that chewing didn't just come to me like I was expecting. It sounds ridiculous, but it was actually pretty hard. My muscles have remained pretty dormant for the past eight weeks and being located a little differently now made it hard work to "chew" (if I could call it that) pancakes.)

I don't have any real recent pictures of myself except the one you see in the header of my blog (taken a few weeks ago), but I'll get Jon to take one of me soon so I have some more comparison of the changes.

Now, onto the joy of Christmas.

The usual: Lights, Christmas trees, ornaments, and decorations always fill the couple of days before we leave for Thanksgiving. This year was no exception as we all hung up the ornaments with the usual clump of ornaments hanging on the bottom branches placed there by the little hands. This is the memory I carry most of Christmas when I was little, including a lot of fight scenes between my sister and I. Ha! I love that we are creating traditions.

The greatest excitement was shown in squeals turned to silence as colored lights were hung in the kids bedroom on their beds. They became mesmerized.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the beautiful ceremony I was able to see of my sister-in-law and my two beautiful nieces. Erin has been digging into the Bible, fellowship, and being the light of Jesus to her girls. She stood in front of her church Saturday and dedicated McKenna and Peyton to Jesus, vowing to be held accountable for bringing them up in the love of Christ along with our vow to hold her up in prayer and support her. It was actually really special because her girls are old enough to understand, to see their mom making this commitment, to see the importance it is to Erin and to see the support they have within their church and family. It was beautiful. I was thankful to be there with our family.

Well, I'm off to SLEEP ON MY SIDE! Oh, and also enjoy the hostess cupcake Jon just went out to get for me. Ummm, yes, cupcakes are SOFT! :)

Good night! I hope your day tomorrow is filled with the joy of family and friends and much to give thanks for. Happy Thanksgiving! :)

There has never been anyone like you, ever in the world

2011-11-17T21:31:00.001-07:00

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked into see you

and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

...So whenever you doubt just how special you are

and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely... it's whispering your name again!)

-- On the Night You Were Born

by Nancy Tillman

Just a few of the verses from a book I read to Braeden today.

This morning was Braeden's family Thanksgiving feast with his preschool class. Our plan for the day had been changed. With necessary weekly visits to the orthodontist now, I had once rescheduled this appointment already and tomorrow the office is closed. The plan was revised, with hesitation, that Jon would go ahead and take off of work and he would be the one to attend the family feast with Braeden while I went to my appointment.

However, the plan was revised again when Landen awoke with a swollen throat, fever, runny nose, and cough which prompted me to suggest Jon take Landen into the doctor after dropping Braeden off at preschool and before the feast. The doctor then confirmed both Strep and a cold (poor Landen!).

Besides the fact that he was feeling pretty miserable, this meant Landen shouldn't be around other little ones.

Which meant Braeden would have no parents or family at the Thanksgiving feast today.

Braeden was picked up after preschool today, seemingly unphased, and when I got home from my appointment shortly after lunch, he and I settled down to read this book.

And I couldn't make it through.

I couldn't hold back the tears as I read the words in the book. It's really pretty silly because Braeden was happy that he had dinner with his best buddy, Eli, and his mommy and daddy (who is really family to us anyway), and another great friend's mommy helped him get his plate. Because of these things he had a full belly and got to have lunch with friends today! Score! (At least in his mind)

But in my mind we failed.

OK, I realize that these situations were out of my control. We didn't know the day would play out the way it did, but I held in my mind the image of excited 3, 4, and 5 year old faces lighting up as their parents walked in while Braeden waited in anticipation, glancing toward the door, until dinner was ready to be eaten and he realized we weren't coming and someone else had to help him get his plate.

This may or may not have been how it went down, but it was a stark reminder that it really is my job, my calling, and my passion to really show him that he was and is not forgotten.

In a couple of weeks, we'll have all but forgotten the preschool feast. It will be ancient history in Braeden's mind as we move quickly toward the magic season of Christmas.

I will choose to bring with me, though, the sentiment of the words I read to Braeden today. The reminder from my Creator today that He created me to make choices to love my son; to show and encourage and point to Him as I lay with him at night, as I listen to him sing songs each day, as I do my best to always be at his special occasions, and as I balance my love and grace with logic and discipline so that he can come away knowing that he is special, he has my heart no matter what happens in his life, and that most importantly, he can rest in the fact that he is loved and safe and celebrated here with us at home.

This, another verse from the book, is one I believe is really true, and loved sharing with Braeden on my lap today.

Heaven blew every trumpet

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous

night you were born.

Braeden, after briefly wondering why I was sad while reading this new book, even though it had happy pictures, picked up and ran off and kept playing (making his sweet sick brother laugh and laugh with the pillows on the couch).

I'm thankful for the reminder today that Braeden held some grace for me, too. His 5 year old heart believed me when I said I was sorry we missed it, hugged me, and went on to play and laugh in our living room.

He makes me a very blessed mommy! :)

My Bucket List

2011-11-08T15:00:00.001-07:00

I have been challenged to create a bucket list (see the details at the bottom of my post - it's a fantastic idea and worthy cause!) Creating a bucket list for the purpose of stirring up the excitement of life and life goals really is a great way to remind us of the many things we have to live for (and is very fun to create)! Falling into the mundane of life is easy to do, but it's exciting to be reminded we've been given. Only God knows how long the span of our life will be, but the time we're given is a gift and every single moment gives us the opportunity to make good choices, to do what is good and worthy, and to love without hesitation. Having children makes this statement seem even more pressing. The cliche of these early years flying by is very true! It does. This time I have with my babies is fleeting and the moments I have to impress the important things in life, share in the joy (and sometimes disappointment) of aspiring to do our best, and follow our dreams and callings is short!

Making life goals - fun, heavy, serious, silly or lofty - is a worthwhile task. It's inspiring.

Will you make one with me? Make it good. Make it meaningful. Make it fun. And then, start crossing off those items!

I loved being challenge to make this list, as I have never actually made one before!

In no particular order:

1. I want to sing again. I miss it so much! I want to sing with a choir again and beyond that, someday travel to Europe to sing perhaps a beautiful Requiem of a great composer in a grand Cathedral (it sounds lofty, but there have been opportunities before that passed me by. I know there could be one again!).

2. I want to share my love of music with my children. I want to teach my kids how to play piano, and I hope to someday, enjoy my love of music alongside of them, making music together.

3. I want to learn more every day about taking pictures, composing shots, editing photos, and capturing moments that people want to remember. I'd love to take some classes! At this point I love it as a hobby and as my creative outlet, but someday I think I would love for it to become more than just a hobby.

4. Scotland holds much of my ancestry and I desire to someday travel there and spend time with long distance family and learn more about the home of my grandma and great grandparents and beyond.

5. Our family is lucky and blessed enough to support a child in Thailand (through Compassion International) and it would be amazing for our family to someday meet the sweet little girl we correspond with and her family.

6. I want to volunteer and serve alongside my children.

7. Someday I would love to travel with Jon - to Australia... to Canada... I'm not sure. But I want to explore another country with him.

8. Read the entire Bible. I am ashamed that I have been a believer of Christ for more than 10 years and have read much of the Bible, but not all of it. (This is one I can and should start TODAY!).

9. I want to find my niche in the exercise world. What I mean is, several of my friends enjoy running, but I just don't love or desire it like they do. Perhaps I could dance or bike or swim.... I want to figure that out.

10. Having a home that caters to hosting has been a dream of mine since becoming a home owner. I want to have parties and host dinners and have Thanksgiving at OUR house someday.

11. Someday I'll teach again. And when I do, I want to be good at it, to be fun, and to feel the great calling and purpose of teaching young minds.

12. I want to go to another (or several) Broadway show (and perhaps be a member of the Sing Off Audience, too!).

13. Jon's family lives on the East coast and I have never been to that side of the country or seen the Atlantic Ocean. I want to swim in the Atlantic.

14. I want to learn to play the guitar. And well.

15. I want to be a full supporter of my kids' dreams and desires. I hope to be uninhibited in supporting them, finances or not, risks or not. I want them to do what they love or what God has called them to do!

I think that's it! If you decide to join in and make a list, will you please add your link or even your list in the comments? Of course, enter your link in the site below for the chance of winning a prize. This is a good motivator, too! :)

Happy listing!

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details.

Real life is the good life

2011-10-26T21:54:00.002-06:00

Honeymoon phase between the kids and I is officially over! They have resumed their normal sibling rivalries and the occasional defiance, though I think my senses are still heightened. It doesn't take much for me to remember how much it ached to be far away and I'm reminded to not take for granted this precious time with them. The joy from returning is still present.

I picked up my camera this week for the first time in about a month and it felt SO good. I had forgotten how much I love to document our family life in this way and let myself enjoy the creativity of taking pictures.

Capturing family pumpkin carving, rolling down the leafy hills at the park, and drawing on the screen door window, freshly steamed from dinner baking in the oven - this is the real life I've been able to capture, reminding me in this season of difficulty, to just be thankful.

And, um, check out that boy in the 'big boy' undies! Today was day one of potty training and not one single accident ALL DAY! Can I get a woo hoo from all the parents out there?! He told us each time he had to go (even after we put the diaper back on for bedtime tonight) and made it through nap time. I think Landen really loves me - or maybe it's the M&M reward system. :)

As for me, I'm doing well! It's been four weeks today since surgery! I look for the joy and the humor in the place I am. I mean, I have some serious ventriloquist skills going on right now. Jon enjoys thinking up funny things to make me say. Jon so easily makes me laugh and laughing, while not totally comfortable, is stretching out that scar tissue and I believe it's bringing my face back to life. :)

My sister and I. I think we are looking much more alike now, after surgery!

After the joy, though, I sometimes get discouraged. Discouraged with the discomfort (though, thankfully still no pain), with the numbness and inability to open my mouth very far, and with the blended diet. Wonderful friends have been bringing the kids delicious meals and while serving them, my mouth waters and I imagine enjoying these yummy foods, while instead I wait for Jon to blend my can of Campbell's soup (yes Jon blends most of my foods for me. What a guy!). It's only a short time until I can eat real food, though, right? Only 28 more days, at three meals a day... ugh! I'll get there...

(And you know, some of these friends' meals I've been able to blend, and there are those who bring me shakes or juices, so I suppose it's not entirely bad ALL the time!)

But real life is resuming. Taking kids to school, picking them up, naptimes, bathtimes and all the playtime in between has gained momentum in our routine again. And for this I'm thankful. Life is moving on.

Thanks, friends, for doing this journey with me. :)

(Oh, and mostly for me, here are a few from Emerson's birthday and party!)

Happy day to you!

A letter to my girl on her birthday

2011-10-22T21:30:00.000-06:00

I'm a week late posting this (man, life has felt like it's getting away from me these days!). A week ago today Emerson turned 7 years old. Seven! When I imagined having kids I imagined the littles I've had. Seven, though. That's big. That's old. That's not even close to a baby anymore.

But my baby she'll always be.

And when she's someday older, together we'll sit down as mom and daughter, friends, and I imagine us chatting, laughing, and maybe crying together. We'll talk about life, how things were, and what we were most thankful for. Here are some of the things I hope to tell her, about the things I knew and saw when she turned seven.

Emerson,
You are SO special. I can see clearly some of the gifts that God has gifted you with in your seven years. You are one of the most compassionate, caring, sensitive, and most aware little person I've met. And you may think I'm biased, and I am, but you are what you are. You are my beautiful girl.

You're so smart - surprising me sometimes with an understanding beyond your years. Your inquisitiveness feeds into thoughtfulness - always wanting to know more so you can understand better and therefore do better somehow.

When someone has caught your heart, I love how you let them know. In pictures of crayons or paint, words, phone calls (and now lately, texts!), or any way to help, you'll find a way to show it.

You are an artist! I'm so excited for you about this! You have a fantastic creative mind and a perseverance to do things right that makes your work shine! I am so proud of you!

You can also be a perfectionist, practicing and practicing until you get it absolutely right. Every time. (And right now your cartwheels and handstands amaze!)

You love us well. I can see in you a genuine desire to serve us and show us that we are important to you (even those brothers who pester and pick on you most days! :)).

Someday, that smile of yours will melt the boys' hearts. But for now it brightens the room, spreads easily, and makes my day.

You are such a good friend. Your desire to care for your friends and give them gifts is beautiful. I pray so often that you remain the faithful and true friend that you are and that you find the friends who are the same to you.

I don't use feisty too often when I describe you, but I know you have a little bit of it in there somewhere! And I can't wait to see how you use it to push yourself and others to do well and at the same time use it for some fun and harmless mischief along the way. :)

Kiddo, you celebrate life. You celebrate well. For any occasion (even our hamster's birthday) you are my go-to girl. Decorating, planning, inviting, and preparing - you love to do it all.

I'm thankful to have you on my team in this house. Just us girls. :) And there's something to say about that - something special about us. We stick together.

I also want to tell you that you have blessed me so much since coming home from our long trip to California. Your desire to be with me, to help me, to show me love and hugs and words of affirmation when you sense I'm discouraged has meant the world to me. Don't let your young age fool you. He is using you even now. For a girl of now only seven, you have served me and showed me your faithfulness and kindness. I'm so, so proud of you.

I can't wait to watch you grow and learn, fall down and pick yourself up again, and hear the details of your every day as long as you want to tell me them. I pray that I show you every day that you are worth my time, my energy, and my heart. There is nothing more pressing to me than our family and each other. You are, and always will be, my sweet girl.

You are my first born. I thank God for you every single day and pray for the special plans He has for you. Happy (belated) birthday to my Emerson Anne! I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

Post op Pictures day 16 and Welcome Home

2011-10-14T15:06:00.002-06:00

A quick update!

My facebook status yesterday:

The kids won't let me out of their site, want to help me with everything, and Landen announces anytime we see anyone, "This is my mommy!" as he snuggles his head into my neck. All fears of their hesitation because I look different are gone. They knew me as mommy from the moment I walked in the door.

A very happy status update.

Those first moments when we walked in the door were wonderful. We've picked up right where we left off. Landen wants to be held, Emerson wants to just be with me and Braeden has almost literally not ran out of stories to tell me. We had a family sleep over (with the kids on the floor because I was slightly nervous about having flailing kids in our bed with us!) the first night home. The kids and I are currently in a honeymoon stage since being home and I'm down with that. They want to be with me all the time and I am happy and absolutely ok with it.

I'm so, so thankful to be with them again. I can't tell you what it did to my heart to be away from them for two and a half weeks. However, these last few days have been SO sweet.

This whole healing process is turning out to be a very humbling thing, however:

My energy still doesn't measure up to what I'd like to do, so I'm depending so much more on Jon, which is hard for me to do (mostly because I like to be busy and doing things myself). However, I do seem to be improving every day.

This blended diet thing isn't my favorite. Yesterday Jon blended some lasagna for me. When it was still to thick to be able to drink, we added some milk, warmed it up and that was my dinner! Sounds gross, huh? It actually wasn't too bad. I very much dislike the eating process because I'm still numb and so it's just, well, messy. Very humbling to say the least. (7 more weeks of the blended diet before I graduate to a soft chew diet. My soft chew diet will start 2 days before Thanksgiving - I'm sure that'll be one of the things I'm giving thanks for about that time!)

I still have some swelling and lots of numbness, though every once in a while I'll get a zing from a nerve trying to wake up. Though the numbness is kind of annoying, I'm thankful that it's probably saving me from some of the pain from the surgery.

My muscles are still learning how to do what they need to do in the new position. Because of that and the numbness the animation in my face and smile still isn't quite normal, but as time passes I should start looking more and more "natural."

I'm down a little more than 15 pounds. Not too bad considering!

Per Jon's request, here are some side by side pictures so you can see the difference a little better. In the pictures that I'm not smiling in (both before and after), I tried to relax my face and just let it "hang" naturally. Again, they moved my jaw out (and up) a total of 17 mm. They didn't touch my nose, and they shaved off quite a bit of bone just under my nose (and I believe they took some bone out of my chin, too), shortening my gums and my face in general.

You can see that before my lips wouldn't meet naturally. Now, they do.

The surgeon said that once more of my swelling goes down, I should have more of a jawline, as well.

It's still a little difficult to smile, but it should hopefully come more naturally with time.

Landen didn't want to be left out of the picture taking. :)

Thank you so much, AGAIN, for all of the prayers and encouragement. This healing process has sometimes been frustrating and uncomfortable, but I truly believe I've been spared what could have been so much worse because He has answered yours and my prayers. So thank you!

As time passes...

2011-10-08T19:35:00.001-06:00

I have been continually amazed. After reading experiences and talking to someone who has also had this surgery, I projected the near future in my minds eye quite clearly. Things like pain, fatigue, and learning to swallow again were to be my hard reality for quite some time. But, as Jon has said again and again (I just don't ever listen!) my experience would be my own. And boy, it has. That first week was rough, especially with random feelings of suffocation came and went without warning, however as each day passes I find myself amazingly almost without pain, swallowing has become natural again, swelling is slowly coming down, despite my only liquid diet I have yet to feel extremely hungry, and my strength is returning - slowly, but returning none-the-less. My lower lip and chin are mostly numb still, but I've been assured that the feeling will come back in time.

I find myself looking in the mirror a lot. My profile seems so different. My nose wasn't touched during surgery, yet even my nose looks and feels different. I have been smiling at myself in the mirror over and over to see if I can tell how my lips will set over my teeth. Much of the gums above my teeth have been removed, so I know that gummy smile of mine will be gone. Because my lips and chin are still so numb and because there is still a bit of swelling it takes work to make a smile and it comes slowly.

My teeth are banded shut (and will be for about 7 or 8 more weeks), but I've been able to drink easily despite that (with many small sips and yes, some drooling) and as I type this Jon is out getting some Cream Soda and soft serve ice cream. The plan is to let it melt a bit and mix it together. It'll be a treat if it works! Here's hoping!

And then there's Jon. He has done and seen things the past week and a half that a spouse would probably not ever desire to do or see, but he has done them without complaint. Even beyond that, he has done them with joy and literally smiling at me the entire time and reminding me that he loves me. Seriously, he has. Someday, if the roles are ever reversed, I pray that I can be that to him, to serve him so compassionately and lovingly as he has the past 10 days.

All of the encouragement, love, and prayers sent for me have been working, I have no doubt. God has been SO good. I was expecting the worst and while this hasn't necessarily been a walk in the park, it's been exponentially better than I was anticipating. There is still a long road ahead, but I find myself looking forward, no longer scared of whats to come, but excited about the changes that were made, the headaches I won't deal with anymore, the locking and pain that will be no longer there.

My spirits have been lifted. I've said before we're staying at a friends house. In the room they've given us there is a white board. On it they wrote this verse:

"If you make the Most High your dwelling - even the Lord, who is my refuge- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him, in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation." -- Psalm 91:9-16

I've looked at and read this verse every day I've been here and I just give thanks to Him who has been with me this entire journey and answered my prayers and yours. He has most assuredly protected and answered me. Though I never feared anything near death, I still feel He has delivered me.

Thank you SO much for your prayers. Please continue to pray as I continue to recover, heal, and especially as we are going to head home in just a few days and re-adjust back to real life again (and can I just say I have no plans to be away from my babies for at least the remainder of this year, probably much longer! I have missed them fiercely and can't wait to hug and kiss and just be with them again - just writing that is making me cry!).

Now that my swelling has begun to go down, I plan on posting some newer pictures sometime soon. I feel like my face is changing each day and becoming more "me" every time I see myself in the mirror.

Turning a corner and some 'after' pictures

2011-10-04T20:40:00.001-06:00

I began writing a post last night and wasn't able to finish, but now that I come back and re-read it, I decided to erase it all. The difference between yesterday and today has been so drastic. I haven't meant or wanted to complain - at least for complaining sake - but I've just wanted to be real. After re-reading the post, however, it sounded like a lot of complaining.

So, let's start again. Today has been good.   Beyond the tug on my heart of missing my kids, I feel like I've turned a corner. My energy is slowly returning. I felt pulled to want to go DO something, anything other than laying in bed. Today was my first post-op appointment with the surgeon, so I had a reason to put real clothes on and at least brush my hair (no brushing teeth yet, though - not for another week.. kinda gross). So we packed our bags (it was our last day in the hotel) and off we went to the doctor's.

Until today, I've had some surgical tape pulled across my face to hold my cheeks in place (now that's kinda wierd, eh? At least I thought so - more crazy info on that in a bit) and made me quite self conscious. It was the same piece of tape from immediately after surgery, so I'll just say it wasn't very pretty.   So having that taken off today also took a layer of self consciousness off with it. They also changed the bands holding my jaw closed (with the screw - like a Philips screw - stuck in my upper gums and a hook stuck in my lower gums) allowing me more room to move my jaw making it much easier to talk.

On my way out of the office I was able to talk with two other patients - one having had the same surgery 3 months ago, and another having had it 29 years ago. I received so much encouragement and kindness from them and reassurances of how good I look, I finally allowed Jon to take the 'after' picture of me he's been asking for all week (which I will also 'reveal' as you've probably already seen below).

Oh, I wanted to explain the cheeks - apparently the length of my face was shortened so much during surgery that Dr. Gunson decided that my face needed a little more definition in my cheeks, so he took some of my own bone, removed from my upper gums, and grafted them over my existing cheekbones, to give me just a little extra. I learned today that cheek grafts can be "manipulated" (just the thought of that gives me the shivers) for up to 8 weeks. And today, he manipulated them. I'll just explain the sound of it - it sounded like loose gravel being ground into - or maybe like two pieces of sandpaper held scratchy sides together and being firmly turned back and forth. I didn't feel much pain, but just hearing the sound was enough to make me feel lightheaded and have to sit down (he 'manipulated' while I was standing).

The biggest breath of fresh air today, however, came with arriving at our friends' house. They have so graciously allowed us to stay with them for the remainder of the time we have to be here. Being here for the few short hours we have been has been like being in the midst of life again. Their three kids are only a little younger than hours and I'm so thankful we can share our time here with them. (We didn't know they lived so close to where we would be having surgery until after we had scheduled it. SUCH a blessing.)

And Skype date tonight? Hands down my favorite part of the day. Finally I felt able to talk and interact so much more with the kids and I don't know what happened to Landen, but he was all about talking on the computer tonight - complete with several " Mommy loves me!" inserted into our conversation. My heart was full and every moment of watching cartwheels and seeing Emerson's new library book and watching Braeden give the others many hugs and kisses completed my day.

So yeah, what a day. I'm glad to be past the dreaded 'week 1.' I'm glad it's over. Now onto counting the days until we're homeward bound.

And the reveal pics.   Again, energy level low = no fancy hair. My face is still very swollen (leaving things looking slightly uneven) and very numb from my upper lip down, so though it's hard to tell, I'm trying to smile. :) Oh, and excuse the oiliness. Apparently when one swells so much for so long, their body produces extra oils to protect the skin. Still a ways to go, but seeing the difference.

Tada!

(If you look at the post just before this one, or click HERE, you can see the pictures I took before surgery)

Update: Post-Op Day 4

2011-10-02T21:30:00.002-06:00

This will be quick. I'm still really tired. This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. Most of my face has been numb up until today and I am just now feeling it slowly 'wake up.' Swallowing has been quite a learning experience, swallowing lots of air each time I try, though not quite as scary as I was anticipating (still a little frightening, though). Swelling and nights have been the worst part. Swelling makes my head feel so heavy and big and uncomfortable. The nights are bad because I've been swelling up more in the evenings. Between a stuffy nose and my mouth and face swelling so much, it feels like I'm suffocating. The doctors warned that may happen, though they assured me I wouldn't suffocate. It's hard to remember that, though, when it's happening.

The differences in my appearance are very apparent. I've seen an 'after' picture Jon took right after surgery, but don't care to look at myself. It actually makes me quite sad. It doesn't look like me, or at least, just a different me. The swelling is so big right now that it's also hard to know exactly what it will look like after the swelling goes down (they say 80% of the swelling will go down by 2-4 weeks post op - the rest will take the remainder of a year to completely go away.)

I can tell I've lost weight, though I don't know how much. I haven't been able to weigh myself since the day of surgery.

Oh, and tonight was the first time I've felt hungry. I saw a Subway commercial and it made me crave some. Not bad, though, considering I haven't eaten anything in 5 days.

The worst is missing my kids. Crying makes everything feel more congested, so I've tried to resist, but it's hard. I just miss them. I miss my sweet girl, and funny Braeden, and Landen's "Hiyah's!" We've been able to talk on Skype each night (though the first few nights I stayed out of view of the camera because I was afraid of scaring them). I LOVE hearing their voice and about their days. Landen isn't really into talking on the phone or computer, so I'm really missing him, but since he's only 2, I knew he would lose interest fast. I just miss them so much. I want to be with them, take care of them, and tuck them in bed. My heart is aching for them.

I'm going to stop there because it's making me want to cry.

Please pray for swelling and the feeling of suffocation. Please pray for my nerves as they are beginning to wake up that I wouldn't be in too much pain.

Pray for Jon. He is doing an AMAZING job of taking care of me. He's really been on top of it the whole time we've been here and is making sure have everything I want and need. He stops and prays with me quite a bit, which I've really needed.

Most, please pray for my babies who miss their mommy and daddy. Pray for a quick 9 more days of being away. Pray for patience and grace for my parents, who are doing a fantastic job with my kids, but I know how hard this may be for them, too.

Thank you for all the encouragement and support. I'll try to update with pictures soon.

A few pre-surgery thoughts (and some facts, including pre-surgery pictures)

2011-09-26T19:12:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure where to start...
It was hard to say goodbye yesterday and walk out the door. All eyes, except the boys, of course, had tears in them. Emerson was just flat out crying for me. It was so much more painful to leave this time.

Of course, after I left, I realized I had left some things. We had to turn around and come back for them, hiding around the corner where the kids wouldn't see us from their play in the driveway while my dad delivered them. THEN once I got them put into my suitcase and shut the trunk, I realized I also put the keys to the car in my suitcase as well - locked in the trunk. Whoops! I think Jon thought I was trying to miss our flight so we couldn't go! (I know I didn't do it on purpose, but you know how subconsciouses can be!)

This morning began with three two and a half hours of appointments, followed by a short break (spent at the ocean), and then another few hours of appointments.

Dr. Gunson (my surgeon) measured and took pictures and analyzed my face. He spent so much time staring at my face that the awkwardness had time to fade into routine by the end of my day there. He stared at me like he was looking right past me - studying everything about my face and facial structure, I'm sure.

Their kindness was conveyed as they walked through all the aspects of the surgery with me. I'll have bone grafts, bone shavings, lots of screws and plates placed in my jaw and after 5 -6 hours of surgery, I'll come out looking like a new woman - literally! My airway will be twice (or more, I believe) the size it is now, my jaw will have been moved up and out while my upper teeth will have been moved as well (that's where the bone shaving comes in). My face will, after all is said and done (in a year approximately) be better - it'll both feel better and look better.

In the meantime, however, it'll be painful. The nurse very kindly, yet bluntly, told me the first 6 days are terribly hard. A sore throat, major swelling, coming off of a steroid high (used for the surgery), nerves that will not yet wake up for several days, nauseousness, inability to breathe through my nose, teeth banded shut, the inability to speak and the very hard task of learning to swallow again will make the first week the hardest, she explained.

Swelling lasts several weeks, tiredness hangs on just as long, and while 80% of my swelling will be gone within 16 weeks, there will still be some residual swelling that will last for 12-18 months.

Some of this I knew, some I didn't.

Another thing I learned, they will place a screw in my upper gums along with a hook in my lower gums to stabilize my jaw with elastic bands. They will also place a screw in the bridge of my nose during surgery and only during surgery as a stabilizing point, something to use as a point of reference because my face will be so manipulated and moved around during surgery.
They will also stitch my eyes closed to keep my eyes safe from flying debris of bone and dust.

At one point, I began feeling a little panicky. I guess no one can actually be ready for something like this, and yet they have had hundreds and hundreds of patients with successful surgeries. Overwhelming, though, to say the least.

Last I decided to post some pictures of the process. I guess I desire for you to understand what it is that I'm going through - NOT because I want pity. I don't. But I want people to understand, to be knowledgeable, to know that no, I didn't have plastic surgery, and to recognize why and what all I will be facing in the process.

Also, I don't mind questions and talking about it (once I can efficiently talk again! Ha!) and explaining things.

(And if you didn't know before now, a very, very brief explanation is that I'm having surgery on my jaw to fix my torn and mangled TMJ joints and degenerated bone to prevent my jaw from just breaking in a matter of years)

So, the reveal (which, by the way, is slightly difficult for me to post and look at!). Here are my official 'before' pictures. *** You can see how the splint (which I had on my teeth at the beginning of this treatment), while putting my jaw in a healthier position, made my face, mouth and nose a little lopsided (which I knew would happen when we started). ***

Imagine my jaw and mouth being moved forward (and slightly up) 17 mm. Pretty crazy, but a reality in two days!

The board is hard to read, but it says 3 days before surgery.
I took the pictures the way I did (with my face completely relaxed) because I want to be able to show the full results to all of my face (including how much is may - or may not?- affect my nose. and lopsided-ness of my face)

Anyway, here goes nothin'! Surgery is on Wednesday morning at 7:15 a.m. Pacific Time. I appreciate and welcome any prayers - for me and my family, especially my kids. It's so, so hard to be away from them.

It makes my heart so heavy to know that I'm not there to tuck them in and hug them each day. The worst is knowing that when I return, in 15 days, that I may not be recognizable to them and the thought of them turning away from me just makes me ache. Please, please pray for them, too. Emerson, my sweet girl, seems to be having the hardest time. Talking to her on Skype and seeing her cry is one of the worst things for me to see. So, please remember them in your prayers as well. This will be a long hard adjustment for us all.

An apology

2011-09-19T21:12:00.000-06:00

I need to apologize. I'm sorry for the rant last night. It was written out of anxiety and partly some anger, which is never a good place in which to write from, especially not writing through something I should think more carefully through, something that does not represent the entirety of this journey of mine, thus far. It was a moment in time, and thankfully my 'tantrum' has passed.

I've said in the past, and it is still true, that God has brought us through TREMENDOUS obstacles to get this far, so while it seems like I expressed doubt, I have genuinely never thought He wouldn't bring me through. I know and trust He will. I let my anxiety take hold last night and again, it's not a good place to express the best of my thoughts and feelings.

Second, I have had SO many people love and bless me through service over the past several years and I am deeply sorry if it seemed that I have not been so thankful, humbled, and blessed by those acts. The funny thing is that I feel that one of my 'love languages' is acts of service and when others need help, my heart desires to help. Matter of fact, if my help is refused, it's hard for me not to be unnecessarily sensitive about that.

Unfortunately my heart is also prideful and I let my pride speak before I thought through what I was saying.

For those of you who have helped me in the past (and there are many), I love you and I am SO thankful you allowed God to use you to minister to my heart and serve me. That's one of his greatest commandments - to love and serve your neighbor as yourself, to pour yourselves out to help and serve others - and He will richly bless you. I truly believe that and I'm sorry I did not show or express that in my previous post. It was a lie and an ugly part of me that I let speak instead of Truth.

Thanks for loving me through this journey friends and fellow bloggers and readers. This venue has allowed ME to be richly blessed and encouraged and I am so thankful that I do have an amazing support system, tremendous people who love me, my husband, and children enough to recognize that while it is so hard for me to ask for help, they offer and intervene anyway. They love me enough to speak truth and love to me. Enough to try and understand the giant I'm facing and bear this burden with me.

So again, I'm sorry. Thanks for loving and encouraging me through the thick and thin. I so appreciate it. I can't promise I may not have another tantrum after next week ;), but I'll try my best to be thankful for what I DO have and how God will use this trial in my life for something Good, for His purposes, and so somehow I can serve others through this as well.

Thanks for sticking with me. :)

Pre-surgery rambling and venting

2011-09-18T21:49:00.002-06:00

Warning - this post is probably a little emotional (probably not probably, it is emotional) and raw.

Tonight I found a blog written by another person who had very similar surgery by the same surgeons as I will have. It's been so interesting! She did a great job of writing day by day with pictures to document her progress, frustrations, and celebrations as time passed.
I'm only 3 weeks into her journey post-op, however, and I'm feeling more and more discouraged. I had to stop reading. Her posts, while actually very upbeat and encouraging, are showing me what I'm really up against. She is three weeks out and between muscle relaxers, pain medication, and her body just needing to rest between the lack of calorie intake and plane tiredness from major surgery, she is still extremely exhausted every day. She sleeps A LOT. I just don't know how I'm going to do it when I get home. She is exhausted and rests all day. She's young (24 years at the time, I believe) and had no complications and it's really hard for her to get up and even make herself her blended meals.
My reality is that when I get home from California, I'll only have Jon home for four more days before he has to go back to work and I"m on my own with my two year old and five year old at home, drop-off's, pick up's, making lunches, and just trying to keep up. I'm SO overwhelmed at this thought. I began crying about it (I know, I can be pretty emotional about all of this!) and I think it frustrated Jon that I was stressing so much about something that hasn't even happened yet. I just don't know how I'm going to do it, though.

I guess this is the part where I should just trust in God, day by day, to give me the strength to do exactly what I need. And so I'll try. I'll make my moment by moment choice to trust. It's just hard, it's overwhelming, and I, unfortunately, can be a worrier by nature anyway.

My kids will need me and I'm worried I won't be able to do it.

Another thing - It is SO hard for me to take help from friends and family, especially when they have families of their own, because first, I just feel guilty that I can't take care of the family that needs me, and second, I'm constantly thinking about how the people helping would probably much rather be taking care of their own family and not mine - that they'll be resentful that they had to. I don't want to ask for help, I don't want to make people uncomfortable and pressured into helping, but I don't know if I can avoid it and I HATE that. I want to be in control and independent and not need anyone else. It's very much an inner struggle for me. And perhaps I won't, and honestly, I hope it's that way.
Jeeze, do I sound negative, or what? I guess I just needed to be real.

I'm nervous, I'm scared, it's going to be hard and painful and the swelling, I've heard that's the worst. Right now I just feel mad. I don't want to do this. I want to just say, you know what, I'll just deal with the headaches and pain and popping and locking. I don't care! I just want to quit! This is too hard - and I've not even made it to surgery yet! I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about walking into the surgeon's office again. I don't even want to look at them again. I don't.

It's not like me to want to throw a tantrum (except maybe only to myself or even Jon sometimes - ha!). But I'm feeling it now - at 30 years old. I think this is the most raw and real I've been feeling about it. I feel like I've been poured too full, and now it's spilling out.

Tomorrow will probably be better and hopefully I'll be through with all the negativity. Please, please pray for me to have the right attitude, that somehow I make it through the days when I get home (that my kids won't starve, accidentally hurt themselves while I'm passed out in a muscle-relaxant coma, and make it to school each day), and to have hope and somehow even joy through the process (which, honestly, seems absolutely impossible right now). Right now, I just don't know if I can make it!

Seriously, can I back out now?

How's that for some venting, huh?

Magic Moments

2011-09-12T10:00:00.000-06:00

This week I decided to take my daughter's pictures. I've begun taking my children's pictures, special pictures, for their birthdays. I like to have one set of special photos to look back on, to remember just as they looked and hopefully show a little of their personality they've grown into during the past year. I'm a little early this year - her 7th birthday isn't until mid October - because Jon and I will be gone the few weeks leading up to her birthday, so I decided to get them done now.

She and I found the dress she wanted to wear, slightly curled and put up her hair and after some sweet eye batting and begging from her, I agreed to let her put on just a touch of makeup. We waited until almost sundown and drove to a field next to a beautiful church in town. We trekked out into the middle of this field and began our little photo shoot. At first I told Emerson to sit this way and pose that way, but she quickly became distracted by the abundance of wildflowers around. Trying to keep her focused on the task at hand - I didn't have much more time with visible sunlight left - I kept trying to redirect her so I could get some more shots. She obeyed, but then would find another, "just perfect" flower. And as she would wander this way and that, finding her perfect flowers, admiring them, smelling them and dancing her own sweet dance in her own little world, oblivious to my camera, I caught some magic moments with my sweet girl.
(It reminded me that I could still breathe this girl in. I remember when she was a wee little baby and I loved to breathe her in. I had a small moment of fleeting pain because my sweet baby girl is still growing, wishing I could just preserve her and keep her, but it passed quickly as I thought of all I have to look forward to with her...sigh!)

Her personality is soft and sweet and tender (with a little spunk and silly in there, too) and I feel I was blessed to be able to capture just a little bit of that a few nights ago. I'm so thankful for this girl and for the chance God gave me to capture her sweet spirit on camera.

Here are some of our magic moments:

The church near where we took the pictures.

Teaching Grace

2011-09-12T07:00:00.000-06:00

We had our first real test of what it means to give grace freely, at least at a 6 year old level.
Emerson had her first "bullying" experience last week. I won't go into all of the details, but suffice it to say Emerson was pushed and another girl hurt by one of her classmates. Thankfully no one was really hurt (no trips to the nurse). Ugly words were also thrown. I'm so thankful for her teacher who handled the entire situation very gracefully and peacefully without singling any of the students' involved out.

When Emerson got home from school that day I got her version of the story (after receiving an email from her teacher earlier in the day explaining generally what had occurred that day) and while it seems (and teacher confirmed) that Emerson was purely on the receiving end, it beckoned a conversation about how to handle the situation - both while at school and in her heart (even though the mama bear instinct in me wanted to march in the shool and approach the girl and her parents! I resisted. Ha!).

The words Jon and I shared with her I prayed were full of His wisdom, because we certainly couldn't get the right point across on our own (and I still don't know if we really got it right)! A conversation of this nature is hard, at least it seemed, when it comes to when and how Emerson should protect her heart versus the nature of grace.

It was not ok for this classmate to hurt her or her friend in the way she did. If it happens again, I explained, she needs to make sure an adult knows what happened and try to get herself out of the situation right away.

It turns out many of her classmates involved turned on this little girl. They decided they weren't her friend and they wouldn't include her in their play at school.

And that piece of information lead to the conversation of grace - what it means and why we give it. I asked Emerson to think about why this classmate could have been angry, why she responded the way she did, and where she may be coming from while trying not to condone what she did. I reasoned that while maybe it didn't feel like the girl didn't deserve to keep her friendship, that the first thing we should do is pray for her, and then Emerson needed to choose to show kindness to her and even invite her to play again when the time arose during her school day.

It didn't seem fair, Emerson said. Why would she play with her if she wasn't going to be nice.
This verse was found:

"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful." -- Luke 6:35-36

Grace is a heavy thing - it's hard to do and it's hard to understand - especially at 6 years old. It gets even harder, though, doesn't it? The older we get the more pride we can accumulate. I genuinely pray that Jon and I can demonstrate and show grace - to our kids, to each other.

As parents, do you have a way to demonstrate this? Would you have handled this differently? If so, how? I'd really love to discuss this more - to sharpen and encourage each other. What would you have done?

Fingers in my hair

2011-08-31T21:47:00.000-06:00

My emotions have been running the gamut (did you know the expression "running the gamut" is actually a musical one? I didn't until recently! Sorry, I'll now suppress the geek in me again! :) ), and it's been rather exhausting, honestly. Surgery has now been rescheduled for September 28th. Jon and I head out Sunday, the 25th and will return October 12th. I'm bracing myself again for the goodbye's we'll have to say again and for the huge and difficult transformation that I'm facing (at least 4 months of eating nothing but blended foods - two of those weeks, nothing but liquid. Kinda bummed, but trying to be as optimistic as I can about that! Lots of shakes and smoothies - that's a good thing, right?! Right?! :) ).

Anyway, the routine that back to school has forced on us has been good for me. And now most mornings, I have one-on-one time with this guy. I've loved it. I love him. And he loves me. And he cracks me up.

Tonight I laid with him in the dark waiting for him to fall asleep and he threw his arm over my neck and said, "I luf you berry much, Mommy. You MY big boy." Yes, I tell him that every night. :) And then he went on to run his fingers through my hair. My hair is still falling out in small hand fulls, so I knew it was coming out in his. But he said it tickled, and giggled, and I didn't care. I cherished his sweet chubby two-year-old fingers running through and through my hair as his eyes blinked heavily.

I'm anxious to be past this - to be past missing my kids before I'm even gone. To know exactly what this is and how it's going to be - good or bad. And I'll be glad to be home again with my kids and have this all behind me.

So, the countdown begins again. 25 days until I say goodbye - again- to my kids and fly out. Until then, I'll be working hard to make them good days together.

Today he's 5!!

2011-08-25T07:04:00.002-06:00

My biggest boy turns 5 today!

Five years ago today. I have vivid memories of his much anticipated arrival - which almost didn't happen that day - and the first moments I got to see him. Jon was smiling so proudly and with tears in his eyes. I gazed into his sweet new face and was instantly in love and so thankful that God entrusted me with this boy. Emerson came in and held him gently with a sweet amazement with his tiny feet. And my joy was full to the brim.

From the beginning he made known that he was strong willed - a strong willed sleeper, a strong willed eater, and a rough and toughness that allows him to stick up for himself (which I am sometimes secretly proud of!).

With that strong will, however, comes a strong and vivid imagination. His stories literally amaze me sometimes, the complexity, the creativity, and the vividness in which he tells them. It is easily one of my favorite things about my boy.

I love to watch him play with his sister, using his gentle side (most of the time) when pretending with her every day during their quiet time. He clings to her and loves her.

Every night he asks Daddy to sleep with him and every night Jon reads with him and lays with him as he dozes off (which, if you know Braeden, is crazy fast! He falls asleep faster than anyone I've ever known!).

He arises every morning between 5 and 6 and is ready to start the day!

He has such wonder. Things amaze and interest him and he always wants to know more. He wants to know all the details.

His favorite food - Mac -n- Cheese.
His favorite color - Orange
His favorite pasttime - Riding his big boy bike
Oh, and he loves to dance lately!
You wouldn't know it, but he can sing, too - pretty darn well!

He LOVES to help me in the kitchen. He is such a big helper. And most of the time, I am very thankful for his help. ;)

I am so thankful for this little boy that God has given me. He has stretched me and challenged me and shown me a type of mama love that I didn't know I had.

He is full of a rich personality, filled with laughter, and an energy that spills over to those he's with.

I'm so, so blessed to be his Mommy.

Happy Birthday, big boy. I love you so, so much! I thank God for you each and every day. I love seeing you grown and learn every day. I have dreams of the friendship we'll someday have and the man you will become. Until then I'm thankful to teach and correct and guide and pray for you each day.

Happy Birthday, Buddy! I love you, Braeden!

P.S. Here are some shots from the early birthday party we had for him a few weeks ago. The theme chose: planets (then he chose power rangers - which I don't even know if he knows what they are - and then he again chose planets, so planets it was. He knows lots about them, so you should ask him next time you see him!). :)

Farewell, summer vacation!

2011-08-24T14:58:00.001-06:00

The last day of summer vacation is meant to be a fun one. Today we had waffles for breakfast, rode our bikes (a very long way) to a park, pizza for lunch, a visit to our good friends' lemonade stand and oreos for a snack. Up next? I'm not sure yet, but we're working on making this last day of summer a full one!
Perhaps some swimming or another bike ride (easily our favorite summer pastime)?

And of all the pictures I took this summer, the ones I caught this morning are some of my favorite. I think the friendship between my kids was captured well - with one good fight in between that was also, hilariously, captured. :)

I hope you also had a fantastic summer break, enjoyed your last day of "freedom" (whenever that actually was), and good luck in the upcoming school year! It seems these first days after summer vacation affect everyone somehow - there's a buzz of excitement and a renewed energy floating around. I welcome it in.

Farewell summer, we hope we ushered you out well! Welcome fall and new school adventures. We're excited to see you!

Does it make me a bad mom if I find this quite hilarious! Ha!

I'm not sure what the topic of discussion was, but they were both very involved! :)

Toot-a-bop

2011-08-24T07:09:00.000-06:00

I had the honor of taking my first family photos of a family other than my own a few days ago. They are a beautiful family. A mom and dad with their two boys who are 15 and 18. The 18 year old leaves tomorrow to move six states away for college. His mom has been anticipating this day: driving her son to the airport, squeezing him one last time and then waving goodbye, sending him into the world on his own. She knows that he'll come home again soon, he'll be ok, but as she put it - it's the end of an era.

Hearing her words made my heart ache for her - and rejoice with her - as she bravely lets go of her little boy, knowing that God has brought him and their family and her job as mom to this point.

It brings tears to my eyes. Soon I'll be dreaming of the days my kids looked up at me and said, " I luf you berry much, Mommy" and I'll waving goodbye, wishing I could go back and do it all again - just one more time.

(Emerson snapped this one!)

I'm holding on. Breathing in these fleeting moments!

In only two days, I'll be sending Emerson to her first day of first grade and Braeden to his first day at his new preschool. And then off we go into our second busy year of drop off's and pick up's and weekly activities. The days will fly.

It goes by so, so quickly!

Landen has been cracking himself up. His new made up word is "toot-a-bop." It means nothing and comes up in the most random of times. Today after his nap I asked if he wanted some cheese for a snack. "I have some... toot-a bop!" And he giggles and giggles at himself. Which in turn makes me giggle, which then encourages the use of this silly word because he knows it'll make us both laugh.

I hope I can remember these silly random things ten years from now.

And check him out copying his sister. Practicing cartwheels has been Emerson's favorite pastime lately (she's getting pretty good!) and so Landen took a try this afternoon. He raised his arms and lifted his leg just like Sister and then bent over and landed straight on his head! He jumped right back up and did it again! Just watching the process was hilarious.

Sorry about the funky focusing. I couldn't seem to get my camera to auto-focus while I was taking the video (I'm sure I'm doing something wrong!)

(And right after this a fight ensued between the boys about who could cartwheel first. Cartwheel fun was then suspended for a little bit.)

This morning we found out Jon's grandma, whom I genuinely love as my own grandma, and whom we affectionately call Granny, went to the Emergency Room this morning with trouble breathing and pain. The doctors discovered she may have a blood clot in her lungs and believe she also has pneumonia. As soon as I heard the news, I gathered the kids in our living room and we lifted her up in prayer. Normally I ask if either of the older two want to pray and most of the time they only want me to pray. Today, however, they both volunteered.

I can't tell you how the innocent words of their 4 and 6 year old prayers told so much of their love for Granny. It was beautiful to hear them boldly ask for healing and for their Granny to "have fun in the hospital instead of being scared." I pray the same.

Will you pray for her, too? She is so deeply loved and loves her family deeply as well - and treats me like I'm one of her own grandchildren. We love her and want her well again.

Thank you so much!

I know my thoughts (and pictures) were pretty random today, but I was pouring my heart out anyway and linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say!

Happy Wednesday!

Mission Jaw Surgery: FAIL

2011-08-18T20:52:00.001-06:00

Ever feel like you've been through emotional whiplash - from one end of the spectrum to the other and then back again? I found myself in the middle of this metaphor this week.

I geared myself up and tried to prepare as much as possible - emotionally, mentally, physically, I cleaned my home, I prepared to say goodbye to my babies, thought hard about how I was going to handle it when I got home, made sure I had all the right prescriptions and things I needed for my return... (If you're new or don't know what I'm talking about click HERE if you you'd like to catch up.)

We left for Denver Sunday. We flew from Laramie to Denver where we were to catch another plane straight into Santa Barbara, where my surgery was to be held. We got to Denver on time only to find out that our flight to SB had been cancelled.

After an hour in the customer service line, we found out we were one of the last people to make the only other flight out there that day. WHEW!
However, two hours later, our flight was delayed a few hours. And then a few hours later, it was delayed again. And then an hour after that it was delayed again.

Long story short, we made it, but not until 2 the next morning.

Up again at 6 and out the door to grab a quick bite and head to the surgeons.

Once there, the friendly nurse took pictures, x-rays, and impressions. I filled out several forms, answered many questions. After 3 hours, we were let go for lunch to return in 2 hours for another 3 hour appointment of going over the details of surgery together with the surgeon.

However, when we returned, the doctor and nurse both came into our room and said we needed to talk. I knew something was wrong. He took a deep breath and explained.

Apparently I have an abscess in one of my teeth. It was not there a few months ago when the last scans at my orthodontist were taken. I was JUST in the dentist last week where they also took x-rays. I don't know how you miss an abscess, but apparently they did.

I couldn't help it. I cried. In the middle of the office until I could get out and to the bathroom to let it all out alone.

I felt so let down. I had done everything I was supposed to and could do to prepare for this. Friends and family had rearranged their schedules and agreed to the very hard task of taking on 3 extra kids. I had worked through anxiety and fear to get to this day - only to be told to go home. It was hard to hear.

Thankfully the doctor and nurse were very kind and seemed genuinely sorry that this could have happened.

So the plan? We came home yesterday. Monday I go to an endodontist to have a root canal (which I don't know what exactly that entails - I really need to do a quick google search - but it sounds awful).

After four weeks, they'll take x-rays and if all looks well, we'll schedule surgery and try again. And go through the process of preparing myself again.

It's tiring just writing it out!

I'm choosing to believe, however, that it just wasn't the right time. Between all the trouble on Sunday and just being sent home, it just wasn't His time. Perhaps he was protecting me from something - perhaps he was preparing me for something else, I don't know.

But I choose to trust in His timing. And I ask for peace as we continue on toward the next surgery date.

In the meantime, we had an extra day before we could fly out of SB so we had a little fun - went to the beach, we drove down the incredibly beautiful coast to Hollywood Blvd, Beverly Hills, ate at a Hard Rock Cafe, and picked up some souvenirs for the kids. Jon and I had fun and enjoyed each others' company.

My favorite part? The excited screams of "Mommy! Mommy!" and the giant squeezes around my legs and neck when my kids met me at the airport when we got home. By far my favorite. :) And I suppose I'll have that to look forward to again!

I appreciate all your prayers and those who have helped or encouraged us somehow. It's been unbelievably helpful. Thank you!

So, though this isn't really a vacation post, here are some of the pictures we got while we were there anyway. :)

Here's to next time!

This is the first moment my feet have ever touched the Pacific Ocean!

It was so beautiful with the mountains on one side and the ocean on the other. Just breathtaking.

I loved this tree on top of this big cliff above the ocean. I think I love the sweet couple gazing out together a little more.

This is one of the cutest stores I've ever seen. Check out all it had inside in the picture below.

Seriously, how adorable are those cupcakes?!

We took this one just for Landen, the one who loves Mickey, a.k.a. Hotdog.

One of the more exciting moments of the trip - my very first visit to In-N-Out!

Finally, a silly one I snuck in while Jon was talking on the phone. :)

(Linking up with Shell today at Things I Can't Say!)

This is what I'm up against...

2011-08-14T14:06:00.001-06:00

I'm sitting in Denver at the airport right now. We have two hours until our flight and my stomach is in knots. We left the kids this morning with our best friends and it was literally all I could do not to cry in front of them as I squeezed them one last time. I gave them their photo books that I made for each of them, we prayed over them, and reminded them one more time that we would all be o.k.

Emerson had the roughest time. The tears came on and off from the time she got up until the time we had to leave. It was heart wrenching every time she said she wished we didn't have to go - or that she could go with us. By the time we left, however, she seemed to be feeling better.

Saying goodbye to my kiddos with what seems to be an unknown future was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I won't see them for two and a half weeks, and when I do see them, I won't be recognizable. It'll be hard for me to talk to them. Let it suffice that it is absolutely scary and overwhelming.

Please pray for my kiddos and I as we are apart. I know they'll be o.k., but I know we will miss each other terribly in the meantime. I pray that they recognize me when I get home and aren't afraid of me. I don't know how well I'd deal with that.

Last night I was able to talk with an old professor of mine. I found out just last week that she had the same surgery that I am about to have and with the same surgeons.

She was very real with me.

She said the first week was the most horrible and depressing time of her life. Not only did her tongue not recognize what it was feeling in her mouth, she didn't know how to swallow - not with her new face and throat -, her lips and face were swollen, and literally could not hold a cup to her mouth because her lips were in a different place. Even when she was willing to try to drink water, she had to watch herself do it in the mirror in order to get it in the right place. She explained that it was terrifying. She lost 15 lbs the first week alone.

I won't be able to eat anything but blended foods for 16 weeks. And even then it will be very limited for several more weeks. My mouth will be banded (not wired - thanking God for this) shut for nine weeks.

I'll have to sleep only on my back for at least 8 weeks.

I'll have to re-learn and re-teach my muscles how to talk with this new mouth. I won't be able to talk for a while.

That big gummy smile of mine - gone - at least all the gums. They are literally removing all the bone and tissue to remove all of that extra space to make room for my jaw - so my upper teeth will better fit my upper teeth when I bite -, which they are purposefully breaking and re-screwing in a different place in order to make more room for my airways and place it in a healthier place where I will avoid more bone degeneration and protect the remaining ligament left.

They will also be doing sinus surgery at the same time. They will clear my airways with a warning that my sinuses could then be swollen for up to a year.

It'll be at least a year before my braces will be able to be removed because they will need them to aid in the healing of my jaw during that entire time.

Surgery is Wednesday at 1:15. Can I just ask for prayers? I go back and forth between feeling so anxious I feel sick to feeling peaceful about it. Pray for that first week, I've heard it's the hardest. And again, please pray for my kids. For the time away and the big milestones that are happening without mommy and daddy.

Thank you so much! I plan to update - or Jon will- as I recover and recuperate. Matter of fact, I'll post some before pictures within the next few days before surgery. I'm looking forward to one day looking at those pictures and knowing that it was the right decision - with no more headaches or discomfort.

Choosing happiness

2011-08-11T22:35:00.000-06:00

Happy, I'm sure it's no surprise to you that my kiddos make me happy. What else? My sweet and so supportive husband, friends who sacrifice their time for our family, s'mores pizza (seriously, so thankful for this treat tonight! ;)).

Sometimes I have to choose to be happy, however. It doesn't come as easily as with big neck squeezes from my favorite little ones or feeding my extreme sweet tooth craving with a piece of heaven in a s'mores pizza! With all the weight of the upcoming months my choice in some moments is either to be overwhelmed, frustrated, and sad ... or to be happy with where I am right in the moment. And let me tell you what, there are these little things from where I'm choosing to feed my happiness.

Some of those things:

These are where I found my happiness in the midst of anxiety and stress this past week. Along with the choice of peace that only comes from Jesus. Happiness has been a constant choice. But I'm genuinely glad when I choose it.

Some random...

2011-08-10T07:25:00.007-06:00

I am staring right now at a S'mores pizza, just out of the oven. I'm waiting a few more minutes to dig in - right when the marshmallows start to get a little crunchy, but the chocolate is still warm and gooey and smooth. It's delicious. SERIOUSLY. I think I should be allowed to eat one of these every night, for 4 nights, before I leave to make up for the next four months eating I will miss (plus, it's likely that any weight gained before then will be coming right back off - no reason to hold back, right?). Yum. (BTW, they are from Papa Murphy's. Go get yourself a slice of heaven, like now.).

Every night before bed the kids write down on there Princess or Toy Story themed calendars one thing they were most thankful for that day. Their answers have ranged from playdates to bikerides to everything to nothing (on those especially cranky nights when Mommy and Daddy are mean to make them go to bed.). And we write it down, exactly what they say, exactly as they say it. Well, if I had a calendar to write down what I was most thankful for today, it would be teachers. Teachers who care to call, to offer support, to promise extra love and encouragement to my babies while I am away. Both Emerson and Braeden's 1st grade and preschool teachers have gone out of their way to call and offer these things to our family. It's so hard that I'm missing the first day of school, but I am so thankful these teachers are looking forward to seeing my kids' faces.

Bikerides have pushed their way to the top of my list for fun summer things to do together. It's on these rides that we can talk. I encourage the kids in their riding - how Emerson is getting really good at bumping off and on the sidewalk. Braeden can now go super speed. Landen points out spaceships in the sky and we all ooh and ahh. Moods seem to be instantly lifted. Sibling fighting has no space between our bikes as we pedal along our small neighborhood streets.
Oh, and sometime we see horses. :)

Since going to the train tracks last week, we decided Jon should get a chance to ride down there, too and this time? We were lucky. Well, I thought we were lucky. A train came and crossed right underneath us honking is crazy loud horn as he passed. Landen was laughing and waving (the kind engineers waved back), however Braeden looked like he was about to pee his pants. He did NOT appreciate the loud noises this train was sending and those engineers should know better than to try and scare him! ;)

As a parent I think it's easy to get weighed down by the mundane of everyday life, by the constant laundry, by sibling fighting (this saps the most patience out of me), and cooking meals each day. It can drain you. It can be less than exciting. However this week, even though I have a huge list of to-do's to get ready to leave, I've been trying to choose the joy in the midst of the mundane.

Yesterday we found this stuff at Walmart called Aquasand for a $1 a piece.

Fun stuff, huh?

Like I said, only 4 more days until our plane takes off. We then have a few days of random appointments in Santa Barbara and then Wednesday is surgery day. I think I may take some pictures before and depending how I feel/how scary I look some after surgery. While I am very nervous and sometimes scared, I do sometimes look forward to the transformation it may bring.

Pictures to come soon!

Oh, and here are a few pictures of some sweet friends at a recent birthday party for a now 2 year old best buddy of ours. A very creative and fun party put on by this mommy.

The birthday boy! So excited he got bubbles!

And I caught a picture of this hot guy. :)

A panic attack

2011-08-08T21:12:00.002-06:00

My breath began leaving me, Jon was driving beside me and I held on tight to the seat belt, and I kept alternating between looking out the window and closing my eyes, figuring out which way could calm my racing thoughts more quickly. Unfortunately, it was neither one.

I had one of my final appointments last week in preperation for the surgery. It was explained to me that I would have a screw, just like the philips screws you see at the hardware store, sticking out of my upper gums. I would have bands and bands holding my mouth closed. I can't eat solid foods for 4 months and possibly longer. My face would be swollen. My sinuses would be packed leaving me unable to use my nose to breathe.

These facts suddenly, without warning, began clouding my thoughts. It began clouding my judgement. I began thinking irrationally and all that went through my mind is I won't be able to breathe. I won't be able to breathe. I won't be able to breathe.

I cried. The feeling of hyperventilation left me dizzy and slightly more frightened.

We arrived home. I stepped out of the car to greet our neighbors and best friends and I tried to smile, but it didn't last long. I told Shelly that I was panicking. That I had never had this happen to me, but that I didn't like it. Tears filled my eyes again.

Irrational? Yes. But very real in those few moments.

Thankfully Shelly stopped, right where we were, in the midst of kids running around us, riding bikes, asking for helmets to be put on and then taken off, and she prayed for me. She prayed for peace and calm and reassurance.

I can't say my anxiety left me right away, but I can say I'm feeling much better today.

For the past two years leading up to this big day, I have had my bouts of anxiousness. Not about the surgery, however, but about leaving my kids. I have to leave them for a whopping 17 days and am missing a birthday for my big boy as well as the first day of school. A terrible thing for this mommy to have to do.

This time, though, it wasn't about the kids. For the first time I became, for a few moments, scared for me.

It's going to be a long road ahead.

Friday Favorites

2011-08-05T15:44:00.000-06:00

I should be folding laundry, but when I get an urge to blog, whats a girl to do? Besides I did clean out the fridge, the pantry and the bathroom cabinets today. I deserve a bloggy break I think. :)

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd recap a few of my favorite moments of the week.

I love that I love my inlaws. My mother-in-law, Anne, came to visit a few days ago. It was so good to spend some time with her as we don't get to do that often! At one point, though she and Jon went to run some errands. I found myself looking out the front window at the "magic hour" and saw a tractor (I don't know the technical name of this particular one - they're all tractors according to my kids - and me!) across the street.

It looks like I edited it a bit, and I did a little, but the sky was really that blue and the sun was shining so brightly on the tractor as it was setting. The colors were so bright and intense. It was a beautiful evening.

After getting home from an appointment Tuesday, with my bag still in hand, I walked straight from my car to the backyard to start watering the lawn. As I did a swarm (seriously, swarm!) of dragonflies flew up into the air. It was really quite startling, yet somewhat beautiful to see them fly up together. There was one, though, that was asking for his picture to be taken. He landed on my bag, just thrown down on the lawn so I could capture some of these amazing bugs, and I don't know if he saw his reflection or what, but he was a good subject while letting me take his pictures. But then I couldn't get him to fly away once I was done! It downgraded his neat status to kind of creepy until I could get him to fly away.

I took the kids to the train tracks earlier this week. We've been there plenty of times before, but it's always an adventure to watch the trains. We have a walking bridge that goes over them and I was hoping to catch one while it was going by, but we had no such luck that day. It was an adventure anyway as we walked up high above the tracks and looked safely down and across our small downtown shops and restaurants.

Look closely. Can you see me?

We left to play at a park and Jon met us there before we left for dinner.

I saved the best for last, though. We leave for California in less than two weeks for surgery. Unfortunately my 30th birthday lands 9 days after the actual surgery date and while we're still out there. I expect I'll be miserable and missing home.

After coming home on Tuesday (the same day I took pictures of dragonfly) my dear friend, Tammy, asked if she could go to dinner with me since I wouldn't see her again until after surgery. We arrived at one of my favorite restaurants. We sat down and began looking over the menu... and looking, and looking and looking... Tammy could NOT decide what to order. I didn't think much about it at first, but after the waitress asked the 4th time if we were ready and she said no, I wasn't sure what to think... until our spouses and other friends showed up unexpectedly. I was confused until Happy Birthdays were said and gifts were given as they showed up.

It was a WONDERFUL surprise and left me feeling loved and special. It was a great night together with my friends.

I stole this picture from my friend's facebook. Thanks, Tammy! :)

Thank you, Jon, for planning and Tod, Tammy, Matt, Shelly, and Bill for coming to celebrate with me (Jen, we missed you. :( I wish you were there to celebrate with us, too!). It really meant a lot.

I also wanted say thank you to real and bloggy friends for your kind words lately. I've so appreciated it and it gives me encouragement and peace as I get ready to go. Only 9 more days until we leave!

I'm linking up today with Rachel at Finding Joy for her Friday Favorites. :)

give me a kiss - what he's done for me

2011-08-01T23:11:00.000-06:00

An hour or so passed while we sat in the living room before they came out to pull at our hands and beg to come watch their show. You know, they really do play well together, brother and sister. We walked into her room and before us was a stage of two kitchen chairs and a thin curtain made of an old pretty purple and blue bed tent hanging between - the perfect height for these munchkins to disappear behind, yet still short enough to hold their sock covered hands over.

"Grandma, I want to go to the park," said the blue sock.

"Ok, I'll take you there," said the pink.

"Grandma, will you push me on the swing? Weeeeee!"

"Let's go down the slide"

"Ok"

"The end."

Claps all around for these two puppeteers and embarrassed, yet proud smiles covered their faces while the applause went on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mommy, give me kiss, I do can-can!" This came out of my two year old's mouth recently.

Huh? What did he just say?

Yep, I must of heard it right. I obliged and gave this small one a kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think I love you more than God does. I love Him most, but I don't think He can love you more than I do," said Braeden as I was making dinner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mommy, what if you never come home? Maybe I won't have a Mommy or Daddy anymore," she said. She quickly explained that her eyes were only watery because they just hurt, but then she couldn't pretend anymore and the tears began to flow. "I'll miss you, Mommy. Please don't leave us." It was all I could do to hold in my own tears, and I almost gave up, but I have to be brave for this girl, really for all three of them. My work is to instill in them that God has brought us to this point and will bring us through. He has shown us over and over that he has provided for us to be here, that He is carrying us through. They will be loved, I know, and so I must make sure they know, too. I will tell them and tell them. And it'll be ok.
All I have to say is I'm so thankful for Skype. Praising Him for this anticipated piece of technology while I recover hundreds of miles away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These moments, seemingly small, are being etched clearly in my memory. As mommy to these babies, it isn't hard to find myself wondering how they are going to do without me. Or maybe it's more how I am going to do without them!

I am thankful today for a reminder from a friend that He has provided. He has paved the way for us to get this far.

A task which seemed impossible became possible.

$14,000 for braces? We didn't know how, but He provided me with a part time job - literally landed in my lap - covering the exact amount we needed each month, which also allowed me to still be at home.

$75,000 for surgery? After several denial letters recieved, amazingly insurance came through, though we were warned at the beginning that insurance mostly never helps with this treatment. And the remaining $32,000 left over for our portion? Lent to us without interest.

Hotels in the area that are $140 a night at the cheapest.... We didn't know until after the decision to have surgery is made that we have some old friends that just happen to live only 90 miles away - in ALL of California - from where I'll be having surgery. The amazing part? They have generously, graciously, and joyfully offered to let us stay for free while we recover.

I am so, so undeserving, yet...

He takes care of us.

He has provided.

He is faithful.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:29

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

Ephesians 3:20

~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has done immeasurably more than I have even asked or imagined.

I trust His Word and the promises within. Somehow in those 17 days, He will do work for the good and become known, and I will choose to trust in His provision.

Hamster birthday, boys, and the four heads

2011-07-26T23:00:00.000-06:00

A birthday party for our hamster - the things we do for our kids! - was a success. It actually began a few days before hand when our ~~overgrown rat~~ cute hamster, Lenny (a.k.a. Lenerny) was 'somehow' let out of his cage (we don't know who did it, but I suspect it was a little one with the name beginning with the same letter as Lenny) and the thing was loose and lost in our house for half of a day. Half a day! Thankfully Daddy came to the rescue and caught him just as we were putting the kids to bed (yuck, can you imagine trying to go to sleep knowing that ugly thing was skittering around your house in the dark?!). Since then, Lenny has been on the brain and Emerson, doing what she does best, planned a celebration for him. She decided it was his birthday - so it was.

He got a cake, a present, he was sang to, had party guests beyond our own little family, and got to run around the house again, though within the confines of his little hamster ball.

We're making memories, right?

I think Braeden was feeling quite left out, however, so right before it was time to celebrate, he went and did this!

He was riding his bike in the driveway and took a spill right onto his head. It was a huge, scary, bloody mess and it was a little tense for a few minutes but after a call to the doctor and we got him calmed down, we decided he was ok.

~~~~~~~~
One of the blessings of living in our little home in our little town is our neighborhood. We truly have amazing friends all around us, whom we trust and love, and I don't believe it's coincidence that we all have kids around the same age. It makes for awesome summer days playing in each others' yards and driveways, where the moms can talk and watch our kids, with a few 'referee-ing' moments here and there.

Can you believe all these boys?! All of these boys live within a house (or directly across the street) of each other (we're missing the littlest one of the neighbor babies in this picture, but the little boy I watch sometimes was here instead this day!)

~~~~~~~~
One of the funnest things we've done as a family this year is to take a very impromptu vacation 5 hours away to South Dakota. It was probably one of the best vacations we've ever had! It didn't come without the common family and sibling tension - there were a few of those moments if I'm going to be real with you - but the fun and quality time with each other outweighed the few tense moments that arose.

And let me tell you, if you ever head to Rapid City to see Mt. Rushmore, seriously consider staying at the KOA campgrounds only 2 miles away. Totally worth it. We camped in tents and it was SO MUCH FUN. These pictures only show a few of the things to do there. It doesn't include the two pools, hot tub, waterslide, horseback riding, live band, little shops, and $2 all you can eat pancake stand (I'm sure there's more that I'm forgetting), all of which were included in our very low price to camp there. Seriously, take your family soon!

We drove by this and Jon and I both thought it had character, so we turned around to snap a picture.

Oh, and Storybook Island - totally free - and again, totally worth it. Go!!

~~~~~
Catching up with an old friend. We used to walk home together every day after school and as she reminded me, on the really cold days we'd walk to my dad's office where he'd give us a ride home. We'd get to my house and grab some snacks, pick on my sister a little, and hang out. We hadn't talked in years, but have been able to reconnect through facebook where I have been able to see that she was now married and watched her family grow when she had her sweet little girl, Lauren.
Since then I was able to follow her mom's amazing journey with cancer. They gave her a short amount of time to live and miraculously is now fine.
She was recently in town and I was able to find a short amount of time to drive 45 miles to meet up with her, meet her sweet girl, and say hello to her parents, too. I manged to snap these few pictures.

~~~~~~
Final thought: Does anyone else out there watch Prison Break (other than you, Tammy and Shelly! :) )?? I'm hooked. Jon and the kids are away (at the same time - a first in 6 years!) and I'm having a marathon tonight. Why not?! I get to sleep in tomorrow! Woo hoo!

Thanks for sticking with me this long tonight. Hope you have a great night!

Enjoying some of the little things

2011-07-21T07:45:00.001-06:00

It's a fun thing to pop the memory card from my camera into my computer and watch the pictures pop up. I love to remember and remind myself what moments I captured the past few days, finding some nuggets to blog about or put into the online scrapbook. Unfortunately, today was not one of those days! Haha! I didn't find much and that has to do with the fact that I somehow managed to lose the lens cap to my 55 mm lens and I'm too much of a chicken to take it out if I can't cover it with a cap (you can ask Jon about how I like to ruin our electronics, like this time). I tried using the original lens, the one that came with my camera, and it just made me miss the 55 mm lens, so I wasn't too motivated to shoot, though now I wish I would have because we've been up to some pretty fun stuff. Play-dates and picnics at the park, a small trip to the local green house, sprinkler marathons, and bike-rides. May not seem exciting to the average person, but to see the excitement in my kids' eyes when I reveal whats coming next makes me anxious to fulfill what excitment they are eagerly anticipating.

Oh, and a great big milestone reached this week: my big boy is now a big boy bike-rider! I LOVE seeing the pride in his face every time we gave him a big WOO HOO and cheer him on. I also loved seeing Emerson cheer him on and encourage him, too, telling him what a great job he was doing. And two days later he took his first family bike ride on his OWN bike all the way to a nearby park and back (with some riding at the park in between) for a total of at least 3 miles. Whoa!

One of the funner parts about parenting: potty training. Landen doing the potty dance:

And here are two sweet boys at our friend's birthday party. Neither one of these boys are the birthday boy (I never did catch a good shot of him), but these little ones are such good friends, too, and looking so cute with their frosting covered lips. Who can resist babies and frosting. The perfect combination, right?

Discoveries at the green house:

The cowboy Landen insisted on saying hi to!

Those lady bugs were a hit. These things are as good as pets to my kids.

Have I mentioned before the strength and agility of my littlest? I know many kids can do this, but he seemed to hang there forever! Or maybe it seemed forever when the fear of the distance between his feet and the ground seemed to loom in my mind. Not to worry, though, Jon had his back.

Ok, so maybe I got some good ones - a few I had forgotten about (from the last upload) until I started writing.

One last thing - I just want to thank those of you who contacted me through my blog, facebook, and messages with your encouragement and love. Thank you. I was genuinely moved and touched by some of the words sent to me and from whom they came. I am thankful for such good friends and the technology that allowed me to share a little of my heart and get so much in return. I hope someday I can return the favor to you.

And I so appreciate your prayers next month and the months following.

Happy Wednesday to you!

41 days until 17 more of the hardest thing I've ever done

2011-07-16T21:39:00.001-06:00

What can happen in 17 days time? What could go wrong? It's work and a continual decision to trust God with my kids. When fevers rise, when I drop them off at someone's house (when one has a severe food allergy), when dropping them off at school each day I can sometimes let my mind run wild - thinking of what can go wrong, what will happen when I'm not there to protect their little bodies or even their little ears and eyes from what they see and hear. It's tough to trust, to let them go into this scary world - even in the limited amount it actually happens when they're this small.

However, 41 days from now, I'll be leaving them for 17 days. I let scenarios of what could happen run through my head. I know and trust the people who will be with my kids. They all love them and will protect them, but not like I will. Not like Jon does.

Taking on three kids that aren't yours is hard for anyone. Guilt of burdening someone with this hard task is hard to avoid.

What if after all that time, I come home and they don't want me? It's not only time that could affect their reaction and affection to me after all that time - I'll be different - look different (click here or here for more details about why). I'll be swollen and bruised. What if it's scary to them?

And the most terrible, awful situation - what if something happens to me? My babies need me. I can't even go there in my thoughts.

I'll be missing Braeden's birthday and the first day of school. And this breaks my heart. Two big, momentous occasions and their mommy won't be there.

I won't be there for the tears, bedtime stories, daytime adventures, and bad dreams for most of a month.

They're going to grow so much.

I wish this were a choice. I wish I didn't have to go.

One of my nurses preparing me for the surgery has assured me that it's for the best. It's only a small amount of time in the long scheme.

I'll have time to rest and recover in one of the most beautiful places (Santa Barbara, California) and amazingly enough (and I don't believe by coincidence) with good friends nearby to help.

My headaches will finally be relieved. I'll be able to eat without fear of popping, locking, or pain. I'll be able to breathe better. Everything will be structurally better.

But guilt overwhelms. Fear takes over. Tears come easily. This is hard.

I'm going to miss them so, SO much (I can't write this without tears filling my eyes).

Jon will be with me, to which I am so thankful and grateful for. I wish, though, that if I have to be gone, that he could be with them. But I know I'll need him near.

And until then I am soaking up my time, trying to make it quality.

We talk often of what next month holds and that it will be fun. They'll be playing with friends and Grandma and Grandpa.

I won't be able to talk much, but we'll see each other over Skype. I hope they want to tell me about their fun each day.

They'll each have a book of their own with pictures of our family together to take with them (though they don't know this yet - I'm surprising them with it before we leave).

Would you please pray for me and my family? Pray for protection, peace, safety, recovery, and hard adjustments. Pray for fun with friends and time to go quickly. Pray for readjustment when we do come home and that we can fall back into our 'normal' quickly. And please pray for perseverance as I won't be able to eat for at least 4 months (if not longer) - only liquid and blended diets - and because I'll be swollen and uncomfortable for up to a year.

Thanks, friends. Thanks for your prayers and letting me pour my heart out. This is easily one of the most difficult things I'll ever do. And I appreciate all the encouragement, support, scripture and prayers I can get.

Playing catch up

2011-07-11T21:45:00.000-06:00

A week goes by quickly and much can happen - especially when I have nothing to document it with! It seems our week kept chugging along, though I felt I couldn't keep up and had no computer to keep track of all the pictures I was taking, documenting the moments worth storing away! Thankfully, our trusty old laptop is back in our possession for the time being until the part we need comes in and I reluctantly have to hand it back again to be fixed.

So, here is a quick recap of life since the last time I wrote .

S'mores for an overnight camping adventure had in the backyard. Emerson, Braeden, and I all slept in the back yard in a tent for one night. Slightly lumpy, but fun! (S'mores were devoured inside to avoid being eaten by mosquitoes ourselves or making a big mess - as seen above- on the floor of the tent where we would be sleeping!)

Catching two sweet moments with my girl. She was so pensive while gazing at those flowers and just a few minutes later was playing so sweetly with Landen in the yard.

Our attempt to take our kids to one of their favorite places failed - they were closed - so we settled for the next best thing - the playground at the school near my parents'. Emerson and I got some time by ourselves while they boys played on another piece of equipment before we all met up again and Jon and I got to watch our kids play together in a somewhat rare 15 minutes or so of pure fun and no fighting! :)

My brother-in-law's family were in town and we got to enjoy the 4th with them! Relaxing in the backyard of my parents' home swinging in the hammock, watching the kids run around and stick their feet in the pool on such a hot day, and eating some barbeque while enjoying the company of extended family - fabulous!

Spending some time with some great friends we haven't seen in a while! It's a beautiful thing to see our kids pick up their friendship right where they left off - within minutes these girls were putting and pulling ladybugs on eachothers' noses.

(Eating raspberries right off of the bush!)

Oh yeah, and we bought a new car and I got a new tattoo - both of which I have no pictures of - but trust me when I say they're both cool. :)

What a week, eh?

It makes me happy to look over these pictures - sweet times with friends and family.

That's what it's all about.

I wrote an article posted at Afterbelly!

2011-07-04T06:07:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to let you know I wrote a guest post for my friend, Nathalie, at AfterBelly. AfterBelly is a blog made for building up, encouraging, and loving on other moms! She hosts a weekly series called Monday's Mom featuring different moms and the stories and journey's they are living and experiencing. She is real and honest and a beautiful creator of words when expressing her desires of her heart for hers and her childrens' lives and I would love if you would visit her over there. And while you're there check out my guest post, Choosing True Beauty.

Click here to go to the post.

Thanks!

Have a happy and safe 4th!

Friday Favorites

2011-07-01T06:15:00.005-06:00

This one has reserved the spot for the great big #1 this week - 9 years ago this past Wednesday I said 'I do' to the man I had chased after since I was 15 (I'm glad I was so persistent! Haha!). Three beautiful babies, a new home, and some extreme roller coaster rides and I can confidently and joyfully say that I'm so glad I said those words to him. I love him. And he loves me. How do I know? Because he bought me a new lens for my camera that I've been salivating over! ;) The same lens that took these pictures of the flowers and card he brought home for me. I'm a lucky, lucky girl, you know.

We were able to go out to dinner last night and enjoy an adult only trip to Walmart (romantic, I know!) thanks to my sister-in-law, Erin coming to watch the kids

(thanks, Erin!).

Pictures painted for Mommy. This is something I don't foresee getting tired of any time soon. Matter of fact, and Jon can attest, I have a huge tub FULL of paintings and drawings and chicken scratch notes with "I love you, Mommy" written with crayon.

I love this picture, even if it is a little blurry!

Exploring a new playground.

Even better, we were the only ones there so there was freedom to explore all the new territory

without fear of interruption

or the shyness that can sometimes take over when new kids are nearby.

Best friends - 'nuff said.

I know I can go on and on about this, but these summer days home with my kiddos, full of dress up and blow up pools and play dates and sleep overs are held onto tightly. I will never, ever wish these days away and I try to fill them up with memories to take with them as they grow older.

I am LOVING soaking up as much information I can find (for free) about taking pictures and editing them. I feel like this new hobby is a perfect combination of play and necessity. Play, because I am loving learning and experimenting and necessity, because it is necessary to me to document these days when my kiddos are little. And shutterfly? Don't get me started about shutterfly... I find myself getting in trouble as I browse books and invitations and prints to create. Fun fun fun.

I've begun a new Bible study entitled "Ruth - loss, love, and legacy" by Kelly Minter. The study has been so good for me, as I've never dug in at all into the book of Ruth. I read the book and knew the story, but it's always refreshing to just dig in. Good stuff.

Each week a group of ladies meet and getting to know the heart of some of these women has been a time of refreshment, encouragement, a soft place to land during our weeks, and a feeling of being blessed that these women feel the freedom to share the things weighing on their hearts.

What about you? What are some of your favorite moments of the week? Click on the link below and share your list of favorites from the week (and have a great weekend)!

You Capture: Water

2011-06-30T05:00:00.003-06:00

A day at the spray park:

Watering the driveway "...so it will grow grass, Mom!" :)

And just some extras from our day because I thought they were cute (but nothing to do with water - sorry!)

If I could go back and do it again...

2011-06-25T22:27:00.000-06:00

I was standing outside with my friend, Shelly, tonight just talking about our kids and how we both wish we could go back and do all this mommy-ing thing all over again - not because we want to necessarily change anything (though I'm sure there are a few moments I'd like to take back), but because we want to take it all in once more - to more appreciate my time with just one sweet baby, to take my time with her and take in every moment. I did back then, but now that I know that along with more kids comes more tasks and more responsibility as they get older, I'd enjoy every small moment just a little more, seeing it as a little bit sweeter. Know what I mean?

With three kiddos now, I sometimes find it harder to slow down and just take it in, breathe in my kids and the little things they do. One of the harder things for me to do is to sit down and just pretend - particularly with Braeden, since that's what he always wants to do. I don't know why that's hard for me - I get a little bored and start thinking about all the things I should be getting done and I just don't get INTO it. But tomorrow I am promising myself to sit down and pretend whatever it is he wants to pretend - that I'm his baby, or that we're camping in a tent, or that he's spiderman and he's here to save me... whatever it is.... and I will play my part well.

You see, my kids aren't going to remember that the house was spotless or that my fridge was organized, but they WILL remember Mommy playing on the floor with them, pretending, or painting, or reading books, or riding bikes. Those are the memories that stick.

SLOW DOWN. Just be with my kids - which includes no computer, no phone, no facebook, ouch! Are you guilty of this, too?

Some of the fun we DID have today:

An extra one I decided to throw in because they looked so cute. The little one in the middle is my friend, Shelly's little boy, who is best buds with my kiddos.

The heart of my girl...

2011-06-22T14:33:00.002-06:00

She is beautiful. God has given her a soft spirit. A deeply caring, passionately loving, very discerning spirit. Sometimes it's hard to treat her like the 6 year old she is, expecting so much from her because she demonstrates so much for us. She is full of love and compassion and gives it freely to all who is around her, especially if she senses or understands if something isn't quite right.

I can be biased, I know, I AM her mom. :) And she still sometimes has her normal six-year-old moments, for sure, but I sure do love this girl and how God has made her.

As I mentioned earlier, I began watching a sweet little boy and his baby sister yesterday. It's very part time, which is nice, but we love spending time with these kiddos. Anyway, Emerson was my designated helper yesterday, their first day back, and I'm so glad she was designated! :) She searched for things to do with the sweet boy when he was sad his mom left, she held the teeny baby while I got her bed ready, and offered to pull the boys in the wagon and on bikes when it was time to go outside. She even helps contain my littlest while I'm making dinner (which is a hard job) and loves a clean room (a girl after my own heart!).

I'm so thankful to have her! Not because of all she does, but because of who she is - the substance of her containing what words can't completely describe, but the words compassion, kindness, and sensitivity hold their places in there somewhere. She's not perfect, by any means, nor did our parenting have much to do with it, but we do pray over her daily with hopes she becomes someone who loves and serves and strives to understand the heart of God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Braeden, the early riser, was up with me at 5 this morning (I don't normally choose to be up at 5, but had to this morning for an early appointment in a town about an hour or so away), so while I was just getting ready to head out, Jon quickly got him dressed. He accompanied me to my appointment, which lasted so much longer than it was scheduled to, but Braeden sat so still while we were there! This warranted donuts for the drive home. His choice? The powdered ones, which, of course, made for a fun clean up when we got home! It was fun, though, to have him to myself. He filled up our time in the car with adventurous stories of foxes and wolves and the train moving along slowly next to us.
Then as another treat, both because I didn't take the other two with me and because Braeden did so well, we made a quick trip to the park before we had to be home for lunch. And it was HOT out there! I'm not complaining, though, AT ALL! (P.S. A shout out to Jon who had the house completely clean when I got back from my appointment today. He sure knows my love language! :) )

(Don't you love the ears on that hat?! Ha!)

Hope you are enjoying your summer day, as well, and get a chance to get outside and soak up some sun!

Yep, I'm quite alright

2011-06-20T04:44:00.008-06:00

1. Father's Day weekend was wonderful (click here). Celebrating my husband and dad was great, but Jon and I also celebrated our 9th anniversary (a few days early) by eating at one of our favorite restaurants and then a movie together and staying at my sister's house for the night - all without kids (a shout out to Jon's mom and sister for watching our kiddos! Thanks again, guys!)

(This is a repeat post of this picture because I love it so much!)

2. Experimenting with my camera and the settings have been a major time suck for me lately because I'm LOVING it! Posing my kids,learning about light, reading and reading and reading about aperture, exposure, ISO and film speed, and taking good pictures has become a new hobby for me and I am THOROUGHLY enjoying it.

3. Savoring my time with my kiddos has become a priority (it always is, but even it's even more intentional lately) as I'm anticipating leaving them in August (I know, still a ways away!) for 2 and a half weeks - the longest I have ever, and ever plan on, leaving my kiddos. Unfortunately it's not by choice, but by necessity, and so I'm soaking in the fun things we're doing and capturing the moments so they can refer back to these memories in a book I'm creating for when we're gone.

Soon, those teeth of mine will be very different! And to be honest, I'm looking forward to it!

4. Today I begin watching a sweet little boy again, whom I've been watching for about a year except for a quick three month break while his mommy had a brand new sweet little girl! We're lucky to be watching her, too, as my kiddos are SO, so excited to help me with this new sweet little one and I can get my baby fix by holding her and loving her every day.

5. Learning to ride a big boy bike can be tough and discouraging at times, but with the help of a great daddy and big sister, one can make big strides and gain the confidence they need to do it on our own! My big boy, Braeden, doesn't quite have it down, yet, but he's getting close - and definitely before the end of the summer. Learning to ride a bike with two wheels is a big deal around here!

I'm linking up today with Carissa at lowercase letters for Miscellany Monday. Click on the link below to check out her Miscellany and many others.

Have a great day, friends!

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T15:43:00.002-06:00

I'm a little late in getting this posted, but I wanted to wish Jon and my dad a very happy father's day today! I'm so, SO thankful for both of them and all that they do.

We spent some time at my parents house this weekend barbequing and playing outside and celebrating these two guys. My dad ran and played in the grass with the kids, while also somehow keeping an eye on the grill and making excellent burgers for all of us.

It was lounging and laughing and relaxing on the patio furniture for the rest of us (though Mom had made some excellent - EXCELLENT - potato salad and deviled eggs earlier that day).

(On a side note, I was practicing with the camera in my newly discovered manual mode! Woo hoo! Well, I knew it was there, but had NO idea what I was doing. So some of these pics may be a little bright or a little dull - still figuring things out!)

And Jon, I love how you love us - very intentionally and creatively and with all your heart. You work hard to be a good dad - but you're a GREAT one. I don't say that lightly. I can't point out many husbands and fathers who do all you do. Thank you, from the very bottom of our hearts. I love you!

I'm lucky and so thankful to have these two men to celebrate - they're both there for our family, they support and encourage, and love to spend their time with us - playing and running with the kids.

Thanks, Jon and Dad. Love you guys! Happy Father's Day!

A little impatience at the park

2011-06-16T16:26:00.000-06:00

It has taken a little bit of adjustment having all of my kiddos home with me all day, every day, for the summer. I have been anxiously anticipating the full days with my girl again and the fact that so many adventures await our kids TOGETHER instead of individually. But I also anticipated the disagreements and having to hesitantly share their space and toys all the time again. I knew it was coming, yet I find my patience short many times.

Several days ago we took a short trip to see my sister for lunch and then enjoy an afternoon at a local park. The sun was hot with a small breeze and it was perfect for this little children's village that included many spots to wade their little feet in shallow water. I soaked in the sun and watched as my kiddos found all the fun to be had and places to explore. The favorite was the aforementioned water spots and it was so fun to watch them explore and feel and find all the crevices of the waterfall and small stream.

It was a perfectly fun afternoon playing together.

However, in attempting to tear the kids away from their fun, I'd lose one of them to another discovery while trying to take another one from their own fun, and then realizing I had lost the other one again. This happened more than once! My great mood from our time there began to waver and impatience was setting in. Then on our way to the car we found a sweet little gazebo and I couldn't help but want to find a great shot with all three of them inside. In their disappointment of just leaving their fun, they hesitantly sat where I arranged them, but as quickly as I sat them down, they were arguing with each other, fidgety, fussing, and unwilling to smile.

I found myself very frustrated and saying things like, "Come on! If you would just sit and smile for just one second we could just go!" and some other unfriendly things.

A good motivator to smile, right? (Um, it was late afternoon, my littlest hadn't had a nap, I didn't plan well and didn't have any snacks on hand, etc., etc!)

I finally got two good ones, despite the silliness of Braeden and the half opened eyes of Emerson!

Whoops! Definitely a failed parenting moment and a good example of the needless impatience I find myself in a bit lately. Many prayers for patience have been uttered this past week or so! Thankfully, those prayers have sprouted ideas for keeping our time at home a little more focused and a new routine is being created. Thankfully, it's helping a little! :)

Such is the life of a parent - teaching our kids the same things we are also re-teaching ourselves!

Anyway, here's to the rest of our day that was really quite enjoyable! And another fun adventure to put on our list for the summer of 2011!

I was reminded, however, of how thankful I am that our kids, despite the arguments that sometimes arise, are really best friends. Really, I'm SO, so thankful and joyful for that (and prayers are being uttered right now that this is a lifelong thing!).

Oh, and I love this. It's just me and my littlest (and possibly a good picture to compare with after my upcoming surgery? Only 56 more days - I think.)

How do you deal with the adjustment of summer? If you have struggled with impatience with your kiddos, how do you plan for and deal with that?

Just wondering? :)

Have a great day today, friends!

Sweet Summer Days

2011-06-13T21:09:00.001-06:00

Childhood summers are built for the fun, laid back, the whimsical, and the spontaneous.

They're built for playdates and the kind of play that requires baths every night that leave the water slightly cloudy from all the dust and dirt and chalk and grass picked up from adventures outside. THAT'S the sign of a good summer day.

And the kind of day I wish for my kids each morning as we list what fun adventures we plan to have that day and hope for some unplanned ones, as well. And they come, and it's fun and beautiful.

With it also comes sunburns and scrapes and that darn nap time each afternoon (which I will not be giving up any day soon!), but I hope that the thoughts of my days at home with my kids over summer vacation dominate their memories when they get older because of the careless and free fun we had over each one.


Home made popsicles!

It's kind of sad, actually, to think that 13 summers total with all three of my kids at home with me. And really, there are only a few when they'll want and desire to spend these sunny days playing with me.

So we're taking it in now. I'm so thankful for these sweet summer days with my babies and plan to not take even one for granted.

I'm filled with gratitude to have more visits to the pool, bike rides to the park, cartwheels in the grass and picnics outside to fill our days.

What fun summer adventures are you taking with your kiddos this summer?

I'm linking up with Carissa at Lowercase Letters to share my miscillaneious! Stop by by clicking the link below to enjoy hers and other fun and miscillanious blogs.

Have a happy summer day today!

Silly Daddy

2011-06-09T19:59:00.004-06:00

I caught a beautiful moment last night in the kitchen.

Definitely one of my top favorite moments of the week. I adore these two!

Linking up with Rachel at Finding Joy for her Friday Favorites today! :)

Please go check out more of hers and other Friday favorites by clicking this:

You Capture: Flowers

2011-06-09T06:55:00.005-06:00

The hobby of photography is a very new one to me, but can I say how seriously fun it is to explore and experiment with my new camera? It has quickly become a habit for me to be in a moment and realize the fun or beauty or emotion in the moment and jump with joy and run to find my camera Especially when the subjects are most likely the people I love to gaze at and study the most - my family!

Anyway, I decided to jump in to YouCapture again at IShouldBeFoldingLaundry.com to participate, but also glean from other experienced photographers. This week's theme is flowers.

I'm going to admit up front that I actually took these last week, so I think I'm technically breaking the rules, but I do love these pictures, mostly because Jon, my husband, made this little bed for me in our yard one night because he knew I'd like it. I LOVE it. It's small, yet sweet and perfect for right out in front of our porch. I love to sit on our park bench on our porch and gaze at these newly planted bright colors. (Thanks, again, babe! ;) ) I took these just a dusk.

God's dollhouse

2011-06-06T22:17:00.001-06:00

I always, always think of great things to write here when I've relaxed and am laying in bed at night and about to doze off. Do I ever remember them? Nope. So I settle for the random thoughts that are popping into my head now. :)

Up first, I pray for my kids every day. Lately, my prayer have been leaning strongly toward grace. I pray that they'll see people for the substance in them, for the circumstances of life that surround them, and for circumstances they may never know about them. I can be such a judgmental person at times and lately I've been strongly reminded that we will never know where people's decisions originated from, why they chose the choices they're sticking with, and that every mistake I can point out in their choices and character, I have ten times as many poor choices or flaws in my character that I can willingly, to myself only, admit. We are all human and I pray hard that my children will grow to know unconditional love and grace, so that they are free to love and have no motivation to feel a false sense of self-satisfaction when they find the faults in others. And I pray that from this place of humility, they choose to serve.

Do you teach your kiddos about humility and grace? If you do, how do you do this? I'd love to hear some real examples of how to demonstrate this to my little ones.

Today:
My sweet girl was not feeling well. She started off fairly strong and quicky faded as the day progressed. And since I've begun writing this post, I've already had to go into her room as she's woken up from sleep in tears because "nothing feels good." I hate, hate when my babies feel so badly, but I love, love that I am her mommy, whom she wants to snuggle and pray with when nothing feels good.

Summer vacation, at least what I think of as summer vacation, has arrived! Today was a perfect to lay in the grass outside for most of the morning, eat our lunch outside, and even set up a sprinkler in the afternoon. The excitement of playing with a new water toy was enough to push away any discomfort of a (strong) breeze may have brought on their cold, wet skin. 80 degree weather and the fun of wearing swim suits for the first time this season was genuinely fun bringing about giggles and exhilarating gasps as they got up the nerve to let themselves get sprayed directly by this cold, cold water (they asked a few times if I could turn up the warm water. Haha!).

Braeden came to me yesterday morning as I was just waking up (as he is always up before I am - before I desire to be, really - at 5 a.m.!) and brightly asked, "Mom, did you know that we live in a doll house?" Nope, didn't know that! "We live in a doll house and we are God's dolls! He makes us move around and talk. Right, Mom?" (He almost always ends his declarations of his discoveries in life with, "Right, Mom?" these days.) Wow. Pretty deep, Braeden. There are probably some who have probably asked themselves and contemplated this thought deeply, but a four year old... hmm.. I just responded, "I don't think so, buddy, but someday it'll be fun to play with God, and maybe even dollhouse if you really want to, maybe." And he was content with that. I so wish I could follow his thoughts for a day.

And finally, I have no great story for this except that my two year old is becoming his own little person. He's beginning to have a sweet little fashion sense showing his awareness of what I'm actually putting on him these days and there are times he has a say. Today was one of those days!

He insisted (in his two year old little tantrum way) that he wear a pair of shoes he found deep in his closet. They were the shoes that Braeden wore for my sister's wedding. He wore them ALL day. I thought he'd forget after nap, but that was not the case! Anyway, it was kind of cute.

Well, I think I've used up my random thoughts for now. :)

Oh, but I'll ask again to remind you, do you consciously teach your kiddos about humility and grace? If you do, how so? My inquiring mind would love to know.

The stuff we're made of...

2011-05-31T14:48:00.002-06:00

A few of the many ingredients of our family:

These remind me that I need to slow down. In place worrying about cleaning up messes or quickly moving onto the next thing on the to do list, there's room to stop, breathe in, and take in the life happening.

I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss these little moments given to me.

They will soon be past and gone.

I don't want to miss a thing.

Can you sense the love in the midst of these pictures? Cause it's there. :)

My Kindergarten Graduate

2011-05-27T21:29:00.002-06:00

Today, my sweet girl graduated from Kindergarten. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was for us. This year was a big transition for us all. I missed my girl from the first day she walked into that classroom. I gave her over, for the first time in her life, to another person to teach and care for my little girl for more than an hour at a time. I knew she would change and grow and learn so much. I also knew she would learn some things on the playground about friendship and hurt and forgiveness and some ugly things I've been wanting to protect her from and she has, but I trusted that she would be ok. That God would be with her as I prayed over her every day that He would protect her and use her for His good in her classroom and on the playground.

Every day I picked her up from her school and she shared with me about her day, who she played with, if she got the model-musician award for the day (which she often did), what she learned in tech, the library book she picked out, and if what I made her for lunch was good. I watched her share what she learned with her brothers. She loved to show us every single paper she brought home. And one of my favorite parts of my day was sitting with her as she did her homework and read her library books each night before bed.

I also watched her become so much more confident. She lost a little bit of her shyness, though not all, and I watched her learn and explore her new school and friends. I also watched her become more aware of what the other kids thought of her and if what she wore or said would be accepted by her peers.

We counted the E's (for excellent) on every report card, celebrated with her as she won the juried art show in her age bracket, received the character award for graciousness and courtesy, and recorded every recitation, concert and event she was in over the year.

I am SO, SO proud of this girl. Oh, how she's grown. While I know she is going to miss her friends and teacher, I, myself ,am so glad to have her at home every day for the summer and I intend to make her time at home special and fun and creative before I send her off for her second year. Wow, time really does fly.

Wasn't it just yesterday I was snuggling with her and singing with her in my arms and rocking her to sleep each night?

Anyway, it was a big year. And a good one.

So, I present to you, our kindergarten graduate.

Walking in before the ceremony.

Emerson's teacher, Mrs. Uzzell, whom Emerson loved and we are thankful for.

Singing their graduation song to us.

Walking up to receive her diploma. Mrs. Uzzell also shared each student's strongest areas. Emerson's were reading and creative writing.

A well-deserved cupcake!

Emerson was a little down when we took these last few pictures. Just a few minutes later, she said her last goodbye to her teacher, who is moving away. As she was saying goodbye, she began to cry and gave Mrs. Uzzell a great big hug and then ran and buried her head in my shoulder and cried. :( She's gonna miss her and her first year of school. It's been such a great experience for all of us.

Then we celebrated in style. Grandmommy, Grandma and Grandpa came to celebrate, some new friends came to eat lunch and play with us, and then our family took a little trip to Ft. Collins to play at the park (where the temperature was a whole 20 degrees warmer!) and have dinner out together.

I love this girl and love watching her grow. I swell with pride when I look at her. I can't wait to see all that she sets out to be and accomplish next year, but for now I will enjoy my days of summer with her!